Tagged: short list

Miscellany

The Happy Highwayman

The Happy Highwayman would never be allowed to join The Teary-Eyed Bandits

I have a bunch of really short lists that I should post, but they’re not long enough to be entertaining for more than ten seconds and I feel like I’m gypping the blogosphere. The last thing I want is for the Internet Gods to feel shorted, because my life would be an information drought without them. (True story: every time I add a new post, I also ritually sacrifice a virgin.)

Anyway… here is a list of short lists.

QUESTIONS I HAVE FOR PIZZA ROLLS:

1. What is “cheese substitute”? Is it really, as my friend Charlie says, chunks of salted fat?

2. Why hasn’t the consideration that cheese substitute may be chunks of salted fat prevented me from eating you? Shouldn’t that gross me out?

3. Why is pepperoni the only flavor worth eating?

4. Is there a way to eat you that won’t result in molten sauce and cheese substitute burning my tongue or fingers? Don’t say waiting. No one I know has ever been able to wait to eat a Pizza Roll.

5. Why do you insist on being arranged in a circle in my microwave? Is this somehow conducive to cooking, or was the person hired to write your instructions paid by the word?

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