You know what’s really cool in today’s economy? Getting a job right after graduation. You know what’s slightly less cool? Getting a job right after graduation that only lasts until Election Day, which is exactly what I did. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been an invaluable experience, and reassuring concerned relatives I wasn’t going to starve to death was a great feeling, but ultimately all I accomplished was pausing my job search-induced freakout another four months. I guess I should have said, “I’m not going to starve to death… yet.” when I was talking to my grandma.
In the office where I intern, it’s not unusual for someone to turn on the TV and let Fox News play quietly all day. I don’t pay much attention to it, but about twice an hour they play a commercial I cannot stop watching.
The ad features a man riding a horse around his giant estate, talking about how awesome it is that he earned his land and money and now he has a lot of gold. So much gold. He says things like, “Don’t you love the FEEL of gold?” and “Gold!” and “Isn’t being rich and touching all your gold the best? I gold-plated my wife!” (I might have made one of those up, but you get the idea.)
Are you out of work? Maybe school’s out, maybe you quit your job in a fit of rage, or maybe you were laid off. The point is, you’ve played so many games of the Sims that even locking them in a room until they pee themselves has lost its former appeal. Until recently, you were a contributing member of society and the knowledge that you’re now basically a leach is slowly pulling you into a miasma of shame and sloth. Or maybe you’re having fun, I don’t know.
I’ve been unemployed for a month now. (I KNOW.) I was doing that whole “job hunt” thing and it really wasn’t working out for me. I knew it was over when I interviewed in a clothing store at the mall and they asked me one question (“Why did you wear what you’re wearing today?”) and then told me they’d let me know. They did not let me know. Several rejections and many unanswered applications later, I’ve been forced to embrace the fact that for the next month and a half, I’ll have a lot of time off. All the time off, in fact. I’m sort of drifting through life, so I wrote this guide. It hasn’t helped me, but maybe it will help you.
As an aside before we begin, I have to talk about the title of this post. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve tried to incorporate Alice Cooper lyrics in one of these, then changed my mind at the last minute? ANY IDEA? Now it’s finally happened! I can’t tell you how fantastic I think Alice Cooper is. I even considered writing a post devoted entirely to a list of things I desperately need to tell him, but there are so many of them. A few years ago on his radio show he made an ocelot joke that still makes me laugh out loud. So funny, love him.