There are two kinds of people in this world:
- Those of us who struggle with talking to really, really, really good looking people
- Those of us who are liars
And within those two categories, there are two more kinds of people:
- Those of us who prefer wordy blog posts describing girls making weird noises
- Those of us who prefer watching videos of girls making weird noises
That’s just the way of the world. Once you know where you fall in those two categories, you’ll know how you approach any problem. Any problem related to really, really, really good looking people and girls who make weird noises, anyway.
If you found that you were the first kind of person both times, here is a long blog post about talking to the most handsome man in the world!
If you found that you were the first kind of person the first time and the second kind of person the second time, here’s this:
And if you found yourself in the second group the first time, well…
Nobody likes a dirty, rotten liar.
The word “flirt” has always sounded like a gross bodily function to me. Like something you don’t talk about in polite company and certainly not something you do in front of people you have a crush on. If you find yourself flirting often and without shame, you should seek medical attention.
Nice people don’t flirt.
Only nice people do flirt, and some of them do it for fun. And even though I felt totally disgusting, I said the word “flirt” approximately 7,463 times in the newest episode of Life & Steph so we could talk about the weird, weird weirdness of the whole business.
That video is 14 minutes long. It’s got a cameo appearance by Tommy Lee Jones and a subplot involving an old-timey radio show. It’s pretty in-depth, is what I’m saying. But there’s one super-important, super-confusing element of flirting that I didn’t get into in the video.
There have been a couple occasions when I’ve found myself talking to a real cutie-patootie but I’m not sure if it’s the time or the place to whip out that classic Stephanie charm (which mostly involves choking on my own spit and covering my forehead vein with various strategically placed objects — large handbags, small animals, you get the idea.) So I made this little quiz!
Should You Flirt with This Person?
1. How old are they?
a. My age, probably? The lights are dim
b. Very, very old
c. Distressingly young
2. Where are you?
a. A fun party!
b. My therapist’s office!
c. A funeral!
3. What’s the mood?
a. Fun and fearless. Like two-thirds of Cosmo
b. There isn’t really a mood, but there is a weird smell and for a second I thought it was coming from me. It’s not, though. For the record
4. Is this person working and maybe only being receptive to you because of that?
c. They assure me they’ve never held a job
5. Are they in a situation where they might feel uncomfortable if you flirt with them?
a. They are conveniently alone. But not so alone that me walking over to them would be threatening or anything
b. Their parents and grandparents are present
c. Their priest is here
6. Is this person married or in a committed relationship?
a. Everyone likes it, but no one’s put a ring on it
b. I attended their wedding yesterday, but a lot can change in 24 hours. Just ask Kiefer Sutherland.
c. I’m not sure, but they have a giant tattoo of someone’s face and I’m pretty sure I see the same face across the room glaring at me.
If you answered mostly a’s, you can flirt with this person! I’m not sure how. Try choking on your spit.
If you answered mostly b’s, you probably shouldn’t flirt with this person. It’s just not the right time. Give it a decade or four.
If you answered mostly c’s, I’m very sorry for your loss. Also, please step away from the tattooed child.
Lately I’ve been fielding a lot of questions. Questions like…
- “Did you know that haircut makes the sunburn on your ears stand out even more than it might have otherwise?”
- “Are you absolutely, positively sure that you want to cancel your business account with Yelp? Can we call you three times a day just in case you change your mind?”
- “Is anyone in here? I thought I heard crying.”
- “What is that in your teeth?”
- “Why did you start a YouTube channel, Stephanie? Why? Why, why, why? Why would anyone do such a thing?“
All but two of those queries have me at a loss. I really, really do want to cancel the Yelp account, and I started Life & Steph because time travel hasn’t been invented yet. Duh.
If there’s an awkward middle school student inside you, please consider subscribing. If there isn’t an awkward middle school student inside you, please consider subscribing to tell us your secret.
- A computer killed itself during the production of this episode. I don’t think that was a reflection on the quality of the jokes.
- This is the 3,000th video I’ve forced my kid brother to participate in against his will. I also make him mow the lawn at my house, because I am afraid of the lawn mower. Sometimes I buy him candy to make up for this behavior.
- I have yet to find a bug that’s cool enough to make people want to be my friend.
P.S., A true friend of mine would subscribe to Life and Steph. Hint, hint.
Outside, everything is incredibly beautiful and deadly.
I don’t want to be too dramatic, here, but I’m pretty sure that spring is trying to murder me in my sleep.
Fun fact: You can develop an allergic reaction out of the blue any time in your life. One afternoon you’re fixing the same peanut butter sandwich you’ve enjoyed for lunch every day for decades, and the next you’re on the floor in anaphylactic shock, swelling up like one of those expandable water toys. (I don’t really know if you can develop an allergy that extreme so quickly, but it makes you think twice about your next Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, doesn’t it?)
The same thing is happening to me, except instead of peanut butter it’s pretty flowers, and instead of anaphylactic shock, I just have a lot of boogers.
People who have been suffering from allergies for years are getting really tired of my whining. They’re mistaken, though, because I’m not complaining. I’m just talking through a dismaying series of revelations regarding the innumerable horrors pollen can inflict on one person’s body. I learn new things about histamines all the time. For example, one day my back is covered in hives, and the next I can’t hear out of one ear thanks to sinus pressure. Every day is a new adventure!
My symptoms cropped up in early March and all signs point to them continuing through the end of June. That’s a long time to live like this. Long enough that I’ve given up on some dreams. I used to be a person with ambition. Now my only goal is to be awake and breathing at the same time.
Things You Can’t Do When You Have Allergies
- Breathe. I do alright in the daytime, but lying in bed at night is a different story. I was having a horrible time until I discovered pseudoephedrine. That cleared things right up with no weird side effects. Oh wait, that’s not right.
- Eat. Turns out pseudoephedrine is an appetite suppressant. I learned that after a long day at work when I’d forgotten to eat lunch and I still wasn’t hungry at dinner time. My brain was like, “You need to eat stuff or you will die!” and my body was like, “…Eh.” I forgot to eat lunch because I was super-focused on work that day, which is another side effect of the drug. That’s strange. That sounds almost like meth.
- Pass a Drug Test. It sounds like meth because pseudoephedrine is an ingredient in meth! Fun! Until you have to take a drug test as part of a job interview! And you test positive for methamphetamine!
- Sleep. Despite its methy qualities, I kept taking the drug because I value oxygen in my bloodstream. But it’s hard to sleep on an upper, and by the time I finally do fall asleep, it wears off. I’ve been awake at 4:30am every day for five weeks, unable to breathe through my face.
- Stay awake. I tried Benadryl a couple times. It’s a classic for a reason, right? Wrong. The people who recommend Benadryl are clearly sleepwalking through life in some kind of gluey, wavy Benadryl haze. They’re talking crazy and they don’t even know it.
- Wear makeup. I’ve been rubbing my mascara around so much I look like Alice Cooper in a cardigan.
- Talk. My vocal cords are irritated and no one can hear me scream.
Pretty much the only thing I can do is sit quietly, staring emptily into space and trying not to look too high while I wait for the next hive to pop up.
“I’ll be on my game again in July,” I think during brief moments of lucidity. “After July 1, it will all be ok.”
And then some cheerful schmuck says to me, “April showers bring May flowers!”
Please. Please make them stop. Make the flowers stop.
Hey, you like mole people, right? Then you’re gonna love episode two of Life and Steph: