Things We Need To Stop Doing
- Believing that celery is a food and not just a gross, non-toxic weed
- Pretending Pinterest makes any sense at all
- Wearing those jeans with the crazy rhinestone pockets on the butt
- Making Minion-themed memes (They don’t make sense! Why are the Minions there? Why do they suddenly have all these opinions about marriage and final exams?)
- Claiming cake is better than pie
You can read more thoughts on the horror that is hugging here. I’ll be on Amazon, ordering a large plastic bubble to live in.
On my way to work on Monday, I shut a part of my body in the car door.
This happens often, actually. I’ve shut my fingers in there more than once, and when I had long hair, it would get caught in the door all the time. I wouldn’t notice this until I whipped my head around to try to execute a tricky merge. I’d merge alright, but I’d have to check later for bald spots.
There are two kinds of people in this world:
- Those of us who struggle with talking to really, really, really good looking people
- Those of us who are liars
And within those two categories, there are two more kinds of people:
- Those of us who prefer wordy blog posts describing girls making weird noises
- Those of us who prefer watching videos of girls making weird noises
That’s just the way of the world. Once you know where you fall in those two categories, you’ll know how you approach any problem. Any problem related to really, really, really good looking people and girls who make weird noises, anyway.
If you found that you were the first kind of person both times, here is a long blog post about talking to the most handsome man in the world!
If you found that you were the first kind of person the first time and the second kind of person the second time, here’s this:
And if you found yourself in the second group the first time, well…
Nobody likes a dirty, rotten liar.
The word “flirt” has always sounded like a gross bodily function to me. Like something you don’t talk about in polite company and certainly not something you do in front of people you have a crush on. If you find yourself flirting often and without shame, you should seek medical attention.
Nice people don’t flirt.
Only nice people do flirt, and some of them do it for fun. And even though I felt totally disgusting, I said the word “flirt” approximately 7,463 times in the newest episode of Life & Steph so we could talk about the weird, weird weirdness of the whole business.
That video is 14 minutes long. It’s got a cameo appearance by Tommy Lee Jones and a subplot involving an old-timey radio show. It’s pretty in-depth, is what I’m saying. But there’s one super-important, super-confusing element of flirting that I didn’t get into in the video.
There have been a couple occasions when I’ve found myself talking to a real cutie-patootie but I’m not sure if it’s the time or the place to whip out that classic Stephanie charm (which mostly involves choking on my own spit and covering my forehead vein with various strategically placed objects — large handbags, small animals, you get the idea.) So I made this little quiz!
Should You Flirt with This Person?
1. How old are they?
a. My age, probably? The lights are dim
b. Very, very old
c. Distressingly young
2. Where are you?
a. A fun party!
b. My therapist’s office!
c. A funeral!
3. What’s the mood?
a. Fun and fearless. Like two-thirds of Cosmo
b. There isn’t really a mood, but there is a weird smell and for a second I thought it was coming from me. It’s not, though. For the record
4. Is this person working and maybe only being receptive to you because of that?
c. They assure me they’ve never held a job
5. Are they in a situation where they might feel uncomfortable if you flirt with them?
a. They are conveniently alone. But not so alone that me walking over to them would be threatening or anything
b. Their parents and grandparents are present
c. Their priest is here
6. Is this person married or in a committed relationship?
a. Everyone likes it, but no one’s put a ring on it
b. I attended their wedding yesterday, but a lot can change in 24 hours. Just ask Kiefer Sutherland.
c. I’m not sure, but they have a giant tattoo of someone’s face and I’m pretty sure I see the same face across the room glaring at me.
If you answered mostly a’s, you can flirt with this person! I’m not sure how. Try choking on your spit.
If you answered mostly b’s, you probably shouldn’t flirt with this person. It’s just not the right time. Give it a decade or four.
If you answered mostly c’s, I’m very sorry for your loss. Also, please step away from the tattooed child.
Lately I’ve been fielding a lot of questions. Questions like…
- “Did you know that haircut makes the sunburn on your ears stand out even more than it might have otherwise?”
- “Are you absolutely, positively sure that you want to cancel your business account with Yelp? Can we call you three times a day just in case you change your mind?”
- “Is anyone in here? I thought I heard crying.”
- “What is that in your teeth?”
- “Why did you start a YouTube channel, Stephanie? Why? Why, why, why? Why would anyone do such a thing?“
All but two of those queries have me at a loss. I really, really do want to cancel the Yelp account, and I started Life & Steph because time travel hasn’t been invented yet. Duh.
If there’s an awkward middle school student inside you, please consider subscribing. If there isn’t an awkward middle school student inside you, please consider subscribing to tell us your secret.