The following post is real crazy. If you’re not into crazy, and just into tribute videos to housecats and fun facts about the Muppets, go watch this and then subscribe to my YouTube channel, Life & Steph.
When we hit 100 subscribers, we get a fancy vanity URL. I’ll be honest with you guys. I’m so vain, I probably think the YouTube channel named after me is about me.
Hello! I’m so glad you’re here! Thank you so much for agreeing to help me out this week. Things have just been so crazy at work lately. And at home. And while I’m lying in the dark with my eyes shut, trying my very best to be unconscious. Well, you know how it is.
This morning I looked in the mirror and hardly knew who I was looking at. Stephanie, I thought, you need a break! And then I tried to stop thinking right away because that’s what I need a break from. This ceaseless hustle and bustle in my head. I can’t turn it off. I can’t stop thinking. I need a vacation from my brain, and that’s why you’re here.
You could not have come more highly recommended as far as brain-sitters go. Looks to me like you’ve owned your own brain for a number of years now, and everyone says you’ve got a clear head that you keep on straight and out of the clouds. I bet you always wear a helmet when you’re cycling, don’t you? You probably enjoy brain teasers. Sometimes you brush your teeth with your non-dominant hand just to show dementia who’s boss. I have to tell you, I really admire that. I’d like to be like you someday. And for now, I feel like my brain is in great hands.
Well, come on in! I’ll give you the grand tour.
Welcome to My Brain
- As you can see, I try to keep my mind open most of the time. If that makes you uncomfortable, feel free to close it while I’m gone. There are plenty of close-minded people out there doing just fine.
- I know what you’re thinking. What’s with all the filing cabinets, right? This is where I keep all the useless facts I know. The only trouble is that I can never find anything I’m looking for in here, especially during high-pressure games of Trivial Pursuit.
- That sound you’re hearing is my stereo. It’s broken beyond repair, so it just plays my most embarrassing moments over and over again on an endless loop. I can’t turn it off, and unfortunately the acoustics are amazing, so you can never not hear it.
- This is the Hall of Ex-Boyfriends. Sometimes I like to hang out here and laugh and laugh about all the stupid things we said to each other that we thought we meant at the time. Good stuff.
- I keep all my self-doubt on the second floor. I don’t want to brag, but it’s an impressive collection. This used to be a one-story brain — I had to expand in middle school just to store it all. There’s a small closet full of self-confidence up there, too. I earned some of it, but I’m not sure where most of it came from.
- This room is mostly cats.
- You’re going to love my Library of Weird Dreams. Every time I have a dream I convince myself it would make a really good book, so I write it down. Though I went back and read a few of them recently. Frankly they don’t make much sense.
- What was that? Haunted? Haha, no. Those are just my obsessive thoughts. It can be hard to remember that they’re completely harmless, especially when one of them has you convinced that you stabbed someone you love in your sleep, but they are.
- Oh, here’s a weird thing. These doors are identical, except that one opens onto self-actualization and contentment, and the other onto creeping insanity. I’ve never opened either, just in case.
- Look, this is really embarrassing but I know you’ve noticed and there’s no point in hiding it. I’m dealing with a pretty bad anxiety infestation. The place is crawling with them. They won’t bother you at all unless you’re even slightly neurotic, and then they will bother you constantly.
- Do not open this door. Do not ever open this door.
- This clock is a family heirloom. It’s eye-catching, isn’t it? It’s hard to look away from it, actually. Really makes you think about time’s terrible forward march and the inevitability of death.
- This is where I keep the cookies!
I can see you’re a little overwhelmed. Believe me, I understand. That’s exactly why I’m taking a break! I put together a list of things I think will help you get through the next few days without me.
Tips for Brain-Sitters
- If it starts acting up on you, distract it with a movie or a shiny new fact.
- If you notice any deep thoughts about the meaning of life, wipe them up immediately. It took me months to clean up the existential meltdown that happened last time one of those appeared.
- You may be tempted to knock the brain out with Benadryl, just to get some peace. This works for a few hours, but when it wakes up again it will be confused and dizzy. This only makes things worse.
- If the obsessive thoughts become too frightening, or the anxieties begin breeding, feel free to call an expert. I’m a big DIY-er, but some problems require professional help.
- You have to jiggle the downstairs toilet’s handle a few times to get it to flush.
You’re going to be fine. I promise that this brain is no more difficult to manage than any other brain out there. Probably. Hopefully.
Now that you’re in charge of my brain, I’m off to slip into a nice, light, week-long coma. Once again, I really appreciate you doing this for me. Keep an eye out for any latent schizophrenia and feel free to eat anything in the fridge!