Getting Better all the Time

What did you guys get for Christmas? I got food poisoning!*

And while some people (my grandma, mostly) pitied me for spending the holiday alone and sick on a couch 300 miles from my hometown, I actually had a pretty good time. And not just because I don’t like Christmas.

I mean, some parts kind of sucked. The nausea was not great. I think Hell might be a pantry full of junk food that you really want to eat but can’t because your stomach is on strike. But mostly I was happy. I made a tree out of books! I listened to Pandora’s Christmas radio station for nearly a full minute! I watched Ike try to eat snowflakes through the windowpane!

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I dropped him once when he was a baby. He landed on his feet, of course, but I still wonder if these things are my fault.

I also got a lot of stuff done, which is the same thing as happiness for a Type A personality such as myself. Among other things, I crafted the perfect New Year’s resolutions, which is no small feat.

New Year’s Resolution Requirements

  1. You cannot make too many New Year’s resolutions. From personal experience, I know that this is a good way to get overwhelmed, freak out about how you never accomplish anything in your pathetic life, and spend an evening crying into a large bowl of instant mashed potatoes.
  2. You cannot make too few New Year’s resolutions. What kind of jerk thinks he only need to improve one thing about himself?
  3. Your New Year’s resolutions must be specific. “I am going to be a safer driver this year” is not a good goal. What is “safer?” What is “year?” All these terms sound too vague and open to interpretation to me.
  4. Your New Year’s resolutions must be measurable. “I am going to hit zero pedestrians with my car in 2016” is a good goal because on December 31, 2016, you can think back on your year and check this one. “Hmm,” you will say to yourself. “Did I hit any pedestrians with my car in the last 12 months?” And if the answer is yes, you will know that in 2017 you need to try a little harder.

So while Winston and I sat on the couch watching Ike slam his mouth repeatedly into the window, I crafted several perfect New Year’s resolutions. They were mostly variations on two themes: “Remember that project you started? Maybe finish it, slacker,” and “Remember those people you care about? Maybe act like it, poop head.” I had narrowed down the list and perfected my resolutions by December 26.

But on the morning of January 1, I took a long, hard look at myself in the mirror. My breath smelled horrible. My face and hair looked worse. I was knee-deep in the third-worst hangover of my sweet, short life and was having flashbacks to the lowest moments of 2015. I was angry and frustrated for almost the entire year. I was guilt-riddenanxious, stressed out and occasionally downright crazy. I wasn’t nice to my friends or my enemies.

“In 2016, I will be better,” I said to my bleary-eyed reflection. And then I curled up on the bottom of the bathtub with the shower running and pretended not to be a person, which is the hardest thing to be besides a blob fish.

blobfish

Never complain, because it could always be worse. You could be a blob fish.

You may recognize “I will be better” as one of those goals that I specifically warned against. “Better” is subjective, and there’s no measuring stick for it that I know of. It’s a bad New Year’s resolution, but it’s still the one I want to accomplish the most. So I broke it down into approximately 1,000 smaller goals that are not New Year’s Resolutions. They’re just things I want to change over a one-year period. It’s totally different.

A Selection of Things I Want to Change over a One-year Period

  1. I want to be the kind of person whose headphone cords don’t get all tangled up in their pocket.
  2. I want to exercise more. That is, exercise even a little.
  3. I want to be more forgiving of dummies.
  4. I want to stop calling people dummies.
  5. I want to make some new friends. A good way to do that might be by not calling people dummies.
  6. I want to go outside sometime. Once will probably do it.
  7. I want to take better care of my car, and my house, and my relationships, and my feet.
  8. I want to know if love is wild, babe. I want to know if love is real.
  9. I want to stop having stress dreams about math class and the grocery store where I worked in high school.
  10. I want to be genuinely happy for other people when they do cool stuff instead of getting jealous.
  11. I want to change my whole personality instead of being the worst human on the entire planet.
  12. I want to be kinder to myself.
  13. I want to remember that my job is not the most important job in the universe, or even in my office, and that I need to stop acting like it is.
  14. I want to stop gossiping.
  15. I want to learn how to spell gossiping correctly the first time. And also correspondent, satellite, and sheriff.
  16. I want my fence back, even if I have to become a masked vigilante to get it.
  17. I kind of want to become a masked vigilante.
  18. I want my family members and friends to know how great I think they are. (So great.)
  19. I want to rinse the dishes better before I put them in the dishwasher.

One week into the new year, I’m not doing so hot on the headphone cord front but my dishwasher behavior has improved immensely, so I think there’s hope. This is going to be my year.

Well. Not my year. This is going to be the year of a much better person who looks like me, but, you know, better.

Screen Shot 2015-05-06 at 10.47.13 PM

Not her.

*Also, my boyfriend gave me a cat litter scoop.**

**It’s a really good scoop.

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8 comments

  1. 1 Nothing Please

    Hahaha happy new year’s! Here’s to no more food poisoning! Your post made me laugh my head off but I loved the resolutions, I am too lazy to come up with ones of my own so I am adopting them :D

  2. Susan

    wow, love your blog. Long-time reader, first time commenting…does that make me a dummy? Had one suggestion to help you keep at least half of those resolutions: if you’re on Facebook, delete your account; you’ll feel instantly better about yourself (and other people, coincidentally)!

  3. itsworthediting

    Hahahaha, I think you have a great life and want to share it with us. So, I’m glad to read your blogs. I don’t make resolutions. I set and work toward goals. Maybe that is the same thing. What do you think? Hope you’re feeling better, too.

  4. Stephanie Austin

    My resolution is to one day have the motivation to actually come up with a list of resolutions… If it makes you feel better, you’re WAY ahead of me on that one…

  5. Kooky Chic

    Hilarious, everyone wants to know why I am laughing so much. I have a long list of resolutions but realised after reading yours, my poor feet are being neglected again.

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