Send Me a Postcard, Drop Me a Line

I am a bad friend.

Sure, I have my moments. If you’re my friend and someone is mean to you, I will 100% make up cruel and crazy rumors about them without you even asking me to. If you’re feeling sad, I will stare at you uncomfortably and then suggest that we work through our feelings by eating them. If you’ve just had a baby, I will only compare it to my kitten a few hundred times instead of a few thousand, which is what I would do if you were just an acquaintance.

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Your baby slept through the night? I don’t mean to brag, but General Eisenmeower slept all day and he’s still going strong.

But it’s not all slander, emotional eating and putting cats before children around here. Every rose has its thorn and the thorn in my friendships is that no matter how great I think you are, no matter how much I truly, truly love and appreciate you…

I do not want to talk to you.

I am terrible at communicating with my friends. This is particularly infuriating for them because I literally have a degree in communication. I am a professional communicator, paying for my house and my food with money I made, you know, communicating. I’ll communicate the hell out of you. Unless you’re my friend.

Mediums I’m Using to Actively Ignore My Dearest Friends RIGHT NOW

  1. Snapchat messages
  2. Tweets
  3. Instagram posts
  4. Facebook posts
  5. Facebook messages
  6. Pinterest messages
  7. Text messages
  8. Phone calls
  9. Emails
  10. Postal letters

I feel horrible about this. I’m very fond of these people. They’ve done nothing but love and support me, and allowed me to say mean things about their enemies and compare my cats to their children. I want them to know that I’m interested in their lives and their thoughts, and that I care about them.

But look at that list. That’s ten ways where people can talk to me at any hour of any day, and that’s overwhelming for a wannabe hermit such as myself. I love my friends but it kind of feels like they’re hunting me. Nowhere is safe.

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Why do I even own a phone? All I want is to be able to Google stuff quickly.

And it’s not going to end well, either. The way I see it, there are only six possible outcomes and they all lead to tragedy.

Possible Outcomes

  1. I don’t reply to anyone and each of my friends thinks we’re having a fight. And then when I still don’t reply to their messages about whether we’re having a fight, they assume we are and that I cut them  out of my life so they return the favor. So then I have no friends.
  2. I don’t reply to anyone and everyone gives up on trying to talk to me and then slowly forgets about my very existence. So then I have no friends and no one remembers me at parties.
  3. I don’t reply to anyone and everyone assumes I’m dead. Only I’m not dead. At least I’m pretty sure I’m not dead, but if everyone else has decided you’re dead, who are you to say otherwise? So then I have no friends and I’m dead.
  4. I reply to some people but not others, and the ones I don’t reply to feel snubbed and form a mob and come after me and burn my house down while I’m in it. So then I have some friends but it doesn’t matter, because I’m dead. Actually dead.
  5. I reply to everyone on each platform and then they reply to me. This is called “having a conversation,” but now I’m doing it on ten different mediums and I can’t just abandon it halfway through because that’s rude and I’m even more overwhelmed. So now I have friends, but I resent them.
  6. I reply to everyone and say, “Please only contact me this one way because all of these other ways are freaking me out and I’m not giving you the attention you deserve as someone I love and respect.” But the method I pick to funnel all communication through isn’t the cool method, and all my friends abandon me for being so lame. So then I have no friends and I’m lame.

See? There’s really no good outcome. Maybe I just haven’t found the right method of communication for me.

Do you guys know anything about carrier pigeons?

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So majestic.

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14 comments

  1. Issa

    Maybe you should just state the positive and stop saying you are dead. Besides I only have one medium to communicate…maybe two since I rarely call my friends

  2. herschelian

    How come you have signed up for so many ways of communicating? Snapchat – pah! who needs it; Twitter – likewise, I mean 140 characters thats nuts; Pinterest – well I do use this as my own private pin-board, but don’t reply/respond to anyone; Facebook posts/messages – because I live in far-away China where this is banned I can only access this through a VPN so I can ignore it for ages and then say ‘Sorreee – the Chinese web-blockers stopped me’, however it is a useful way of keeping in touch with people who no longer read emails; which brings me neatly to email – look I know its essential, but since when did the idea grow up that you have to respond to one IMMEDIATELY? thats a form of bullying – my strategy is to take my own sweet time and if challenged say ‘oops, sorry your email must have been grabbed by my junk mail filter’. Phone calls are not a problem – I am too far away BUT Skype is a nightmare, everyone and their aunty seem to want to skype me….no, no, no. Postal letters I love to get but they seem to take months to reach me in China.
    You get the drift of where I am going with this reply? – move to a far-away country asap!

    • Bea dM

      Herschelian, you’ve covered them all! the solution to all this communication overload is simply to carefully choose and above all limit where to have accounts, how often to check and who (is whom still used?) to reply to. Snail-mail does have a civilised veneer, but apart from the months a letter can take, can you actually trust the post office in China? Finally, there are no far-away countries any more :)

  3. itsworthediting

    I do use various mediums to stay in touch with those I love and care for. The phone, letter writing, texting and if they are here locally, we try to get together at least twice in the year. Most of the time I am on the phone with them.

  4. sarahnsh

    This is so me and I always am trying to figure out why I don’t want to communicate with anyone. I have one guy friend I make him only communicate and plan get together soon by email because texting annoys me and there’s too much that is said and not said with those tiny text messages. Smilies, no smilies, emojis, exclamation points, and the fact it goes on my phone and can tell other people that I read it isn’t helping. So, I totally feel you and you’re not the only one!

  5. Pingback: Getting Better all the Time | Listful Thinking

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