I am a bad friend.
Sure, I have my moments. If you’re my friend and someone is mean to you, I will 100% make up cruel and crazy rumors about them without you even asking me to. If you’re feeling sad, I will stare at you uncomfortably and then suggest that we work through our feelings by eating them. If you’ve just had a baby, I will only compare it to my kitten a few hundred times instead of a few thousand, which is what I would do if you were just an acquaintance.
But it’s not all slander, emotional eating and putting cats before children around here. Every rose has its thorn and the thorn in my friendships is that no matter how great I think you are, no matter how much I truly, truly love and appreciate you…
I do not want to talk to you.
I am terrible at communicating with my friends. This is particularly infuriating for them because I literally have a degree in communication. I am a professional communicator, paying for my house and my food with money I made, you know, communicating. I’ll communicate the hell out of you. Unless you’re my friend.
Mediums I’m Using to Actively Ignore My Dearest Friends RIGHT NOW
- Snapchat messages
- Instagram posts
- Facebook posts
- Facebook messages
- Pinterest messages
- Text messages
- Phone calls
- Postal letters
I feel horrible about this. I’m very fond of these people. They’ve done nothing but love and support me, and allowed me to say mean things about their enemies and compare my cats to their children. I want them to know that I’m interested in their lives and their thoughts, and that I care about them.
But look at that list. That’s ten ways where people can talk to me at any hour of any day, and that’s overwhelming for a wannabe hermit such as myself. I love my friends but it kind of feels like they’re hunting me. Nowhere is safe.
And it’s not going to end well, either. The way I see it, there are only six possible outcomes and they all lead to tragedy.
- I don’t reply to anyone and each of my friends thinks we’re having a fight. And then when I still don’t reply to their messages about whether we’re having a fight, they assume we are and that I cut them out of my life so they return the favor. So then I have no friends.
- I don’t reply to anyone and everyone gives up on trying to talk to me and then slowly forgets about my very existence. So then I have no friends and no one remembers me at parties.
- I don’t reply to anyone and everyone assumes I’m dead. Only I’m not dead. At least I’m pretty sure I’m not dead, but if everyone else has decided you’re dead, who are you to say otherwise? So then I have no friends and I’m dead.
- I reply to some people but not others, and the ones I don’t reply to feel snubbed and form a mob and come after me and burn my house down while I’m in it. So then I have some friends but it doesn’t matter, because I’m dead. Actually dead.
- I reply to everyone on each platform and then they reply to me. This is called “having a conversation,” but now I’m doing it on ten different mediums and I can’t just abandon it halfway through because that’s rude and I’m even more overwhelmed. So now I have friends, but I resent them.
- I reply to everyone and say, “Please only contact me this one way because all of these other ways are freaking me out and I’m not giving you the attention you deserve as someone I love and respect.” But the method I pick to funnel all communication through isn’t the cool method, and all my friends abandon me for being so lame. So then I have no friends and I’m lame.
See? There’s really no good outcome. Maybe I just haven’t found the right method of communication for me.
Do you guys know anything about carrier pigeons?