Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word

I’m feeling bad right now because I haven’t posted anything here in weeks. MONTHS, MAYBE.

I know it doesn’t really matter. Nothing was riding on this. No one was staging a hunger strike to get me to write, or holding people hostage, or sending me threatening notes. It’s not a big deal, or even a little deal. In fact, the word deal should not be brought into it at all. Nevertheless, it’s hard to look my blog in the i’s, especially since it turned five in September and I wasn’t even there for it.

Only 13 more years until it's out of the house!

Only 13 more years until it’s out of the house!

I’m like the absentee father in a Creedence Clearwater song and I feel awful about the whole thing. I am consumed by guilt.

As usual.

I don’t know if it’s a characteristic of anxious people, or if it’s because I was regularly in well-deserved trouble as a kid, or if I committed a horrific crime in a past life and this is my punishment, but I feel guilty all the time. If I’m not feeling at least a low level of shame I assume that I’m either very sick or forgetting about some terrible thing I’ve done.

Things That Should Make You Feel Guilty

  1. Stabbing someone in the jugular vein with a pen
  2. Introducing someone to hard drugs and ruining their life
  3. Kicking animals
  4. Stapling your gross tarp to your neighbor’s fence
  5. Enjoying Paul McCartney’s solo music
I wanna punch him right in the smug, elderly mouth.

I wanna punch him right in the smug, elderly mouth.

You’ll be happy to know that I’ve never done any of those things. Instead I feel guilty about crazy stuff.

Things I Feel Bad About Right Now

  1. Wanting to punch Paul McCartney right in the smug, elderly mouth
  2. I think I’ve been paying less attention to Winston since I brought home a kitten and I’m not sure he knows I still love him
  3. I never had to take out student loans. I’M VERY SORRY ABOUT THIS
  4. I’ve never lost an extremity in a factory accident and I feel bad about having so many body parts
  5. I’ve never had to work in a factory
  6. Sometimes I identify with Bruce Springsteen songs about factories and I clearly have no right to do that
  7. I haven’t worked on that project that I physically can’t discuss
  8. I watch TV on my computer all the time but sometimes I say stuff like, “I don’t own a television” without mentioning the computer part and IT IS THE WORST and I’m sorry people have to listen to me
  9. I never answer my phone because I’m afraid of it
  10. I whine about stuff all the time and it’s only slightly less annoying than bringing up how much I don’t have a TV
  11. I raised my eyebrow in a passive-aggressive way in a meeting today and I should have just said the mean thing I was thinking instead because at least it would have been honest
  12. I still don’t know how to play piano
  13. I had a conversation in high school that makes me cringe to this day

That’s just a small sampling of the little stuff I feel bad about. I’m not even going to get into the big stuff, like guilt over being born with certain privileges, or how I don’t have every part of my life together, or how I have hair and some people don’t. I will never run out of things to feel awful about. Anytime I feel like I might not be wracked with guilt, my messed-up brain actively seeks out new things to obsess over. It’s sick.

Hey, look! Crazy Brain is back!

Hey, look! Crazy Brain is back! I did not miss you, Crazy Brain!

On the other hand, it’s also motivating. If I can get past the initial hurdle of feeling so guilty that I can’t even think about the thing that’s bothering me, I’ll work for hours to fix it if I think it will help me feel better. I’m sure a lot of people are that way. I’m willing to bet that the caveman or cavewoman who invented fire did it after a sleepless night staring at the cave-ceiling, feeling cave-bad about how undercooked food and cold temperatures kept killing the other cave-people.

So after four weeks in a row of not posting anything, I wrote this. And I hate it. I feel like I could have done better. I’m sorry to have wasted your time. I feel really guilt—

Aw, man.

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15 comments

  1. Romika

    Hi Listful Thinker, I’ll start by congratulating on turning five. I am new and right now thrilled with the idea that someday I may also complete that many years in blogging.
    Now, about you post. Guilt, that feeling in itself is strange. I agree with you on feeling guilty about crazy stuff. I, too, at times feel guilty about things that doesn’t make any sense at all. Last week, I was feeling guilty about not spending enough money this month on eating out. I mean SERIOUSLY.
    After reading your post, I have this feeling that the Crazy Brain of yours is with everyone my friend.
    Nice post.

    Romika

  2. chrysaliswithaview

    Yes yes yes, but we all still like you lots. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. It’s ok. That’s meant to be soothing. It probably doesn’t sound soothing though. Go play with the kitten and then rub Winston’s belly if he permits such shenanigans :)

  3. Amrita Kinne

    I don’t mean to laugh at your feelings but 1) I can totally relate 2) please always talk about Winston 3) reading about you wanting to punch Paul McCartney made me spit my tea out from laughing.

    Also, your ‘Things That Should Make You Feel Guilty’ is fantastic. I may even consult it in the future to make sure I need to be feeling guilty about the thing(s) I am feeling guilty about…

  4. shelldigger

    I have had writing lapses as well, always feel guilty about it too. It’s like I have this blog thing that needs my attention, and all of a sudden it has been a month gone by, and nuttin. I had time. I had cause. I just for whatever reason didn’t have the inclination. Then I apologise, and go on a writing spree, then bam! Another long layoff. Having a demanding blog riding on your concience can be a PITA. Damn you blog leave me alone!

    Seriously don’t sweat it, I think its a natural progression. And it’s natural to feel a twang of guilt. I think it’s a bit like love, don’t try to force it, just let it happen.

  5. grrgoyl

    I’m new here too. When you had no new posts, my immediate assumption was you were avoiding me (which is utterly crazy).

    No, seriously, my girlfriend and apparently every person I know has this exact same problem with guilt, except me. I’ve had to reluctantly admit that to NOT feel guilty every waking minute makes me the anomaly. That fact doesn’t bother me as much as it probably should.

    I’m Elaine. Hi!

  6. Stephanie Austin

    Your existence leads me to believe someone’s done right by this world for once. If anything, feel guilty for unintentionally ostracizing us lesser individuals by just being so great. And now I feel guilty for comparing myself… LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE!

  7. justamyari

    I loved reading this! It’s nice knowing that there are other people out there that are always feeling bad about something too. It makes you feel less crazy haha

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