Nothing from Nothing Leaves Nothing

I’m afraid I won’t be posting anything to this blog today.

I hope no one was looking forward to it or anything, because it’s just not happening. I try to make myself post something once a week because I think it’s good writing practice and because I enjoy it. (I don’t enjoy blogging while I’m doing it, of course. I like it later, when a spambot tries to sell me knockoff purses by commenting “Fantastic publish, very informative. I’m wondering why the other experts of this sector don’t realize this!” on a post I wrote about how drinking water will turn you into a mermaid. Then it’s fun.)

I'd like to become an expert within the mermaid sector, but I'm not really into the idea of grad school right now.

I’d like to become an expert within the mermaid sector, but I’m not really into the idea of grad school right now.

But today I tried to sit down and write a post and I didn’t enjoy it at all. This happens pretty often, actually. Sometimes Blog Night rolls around and I’m ready for it — I have a topic I care about, I have some solid jokes in mind and I have no problem structuring my thoughts. But other times I have less success.

Typical Reasons for Not Posting Something

1. I couldn’t think of anything interesting to write about. For example, today’s brainstorming list includes such sterling ideas as “Having boobs is the weirdest” and “Man, Winston’s so cute.”

Oh, did you think I was joking? I NEVER JOKE.

Oh, did you think I was joking? I NEVER JOKE.

2. I thought of something I kind of wanted to write about, but then I couldn’t think of anything else to say based on that premise. This evening, I tried to write about showers. “I used to love taking showers,” I wrote, “but now I do anything to put bathing off as long as I can! Isn’t that… you know how… what a weird….” But that’s all there was to that idea. Just the one sentence about me being kind of gross and then a bunch of false starts. You’ll note that that is not an entire blog post. It’s not even a tweet.

3. I had a long day at work. Or a regular day at work. Or a short day at work. Or I went to work at all. Or I didn’t go to work but I told myself that I shouldn’t spend vacation time blogging.

4. I remembered that I don’t actually have to write blog posts. I try to make it a routine. I sit down at the same time on the same day every week and try to crank something out because if it feels like a job then I’ll follow through on it. But occasionally (read, every time I start to write) I remember that it’s not a job and that there’s cooler stuff in the world. Like television! And my cat! And Wikipedia pages about unsolved mysteries!

5. I got distracted by something. Usually television, my cat, Wikipedia pages about unsolved mysteries or any other part of the internet.

There’s no blog post here now because tonight was kind of the perfect storm. I didn’t have a topic, I didn’t have any jokes about the topics I thought of, and I spent all day writing at work and didn’t want to do more of it when I got home. And then I followed one too many blogs on Tumblr so its algorithm finally got a handle on stuff I like and started suggesting cooler stuff. And then my cat walked by and I was doomed.

“Why would I do anything except pet him forever?” she thought, and briefly worried about her mental health.

It’s very easy to justify not writing something today, too.

Justifications

1. Most of my subscribers are probably spambots anyway.

2. No one will notice if I skip a week. What’s that? I skipped last week, too? …Who’s counting?

3. What am I really gaining from blogging, anyway? A bunch of lovely internet people providing the validation I craved but never received from my parents in childhood hahahaha? Pfft. Unlikely.

4. There are so many bloggers out there who are funnier and smarter and better at writing than I will ever be. Why even try? Quitters never fail!

5. I work really hard, you know. I could use a break. I spent the last two nights really overdoing it — watching Game of Thrones on the couch while drinking a beer. Geez, Stephanie. Relax. Watch some Game of Thrones. Have a beer.

You seem SO tense.

You seem SO tense.

As you can see, those are some pretty compelling arguments. So I didn’t write a blog post today.

What I Did Instead

1. Lifted Winston over my head and sang that Lion King song

2. Made tea

3. Forgot I made tea

4. Made hot chocolate

5. Was unpleasantly surprised by rediscovery of the tea

6. Googled “microwaveable socks”

7. Legitimately wondered why it takes me so long to write stuff

8. Posted to Facebook

9. Made more tea

And there you have it. That’s why you’re not reading a blog post right now. Instead you’re reading an 800-word rant that includes three lists and some pictures I found on the internet.

It’s totally different.

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33 comments

  1. chrysaliswithaview

    Dammit! How did you work out I am a spambot? Microwaveable socks. How cool is that? That’s even cooler than putting clean sheets and underwear in the fridge in summer.

  2. Zack

    The best thing I like about your blog? That you’re really funny but you also get at some real truths. “Most of my subscribers are probably spambots anyway.” hits close to home for me. I work really hard on my own blogging projects and sometimes I think the only hits I get are from spammers and people looking for very specific, weird porn. (Seriously, some of the search terms that bring traffic to my tiny corner of the internet are bizarre.) I felt the need to comment to say: Yes, someone is reading and that someone enjoyed it very much.

  3. tenminutestories

    Thank you for normalising my daily experience of brain fog generally accompanied by the constant need for hot drinks. I’m totally buying your procrastination arguments, I feel better about life now. Job well done!

  4. Miriam Joy

    Forgetting about tea is awfully tragic. Finding it is like an unpleasant reminder of the passing of time, because it’s inevitably cold and undrinkable by then.

  5. LifeLoofah

    Number 1 on your “What I Did Instead” list – the Lion King reference – made me snort laugh really loudly and draw the attention of my coworkers who, of course, gave me a look that said “why aren’t you working? Working isn’t funny so we know you’re not working.” Thanks for the good distraction from what I should be doing!

  6. Meredith M. Temple

    I recently came across a journal I was assigned to keep in class in 5th grade. I had a whole rant in there about how that day was a “free writing” day. I snorted about always having specific stuff to write about on assigned topic days, but with Mr. Nelson having given us no direction, I had suddenly lost mine. I believe the 5th grader may have dreamed of a day she could have found such a fun and not trite way to express what you just did. You rocked that. Nice job, you! Keep on writing and listing and singing and lifting the cat. But for God’s sake, tie a string around your finger when you make tea. Save the forgetting for things like turkey or roast lamb, which can easily sit forgotten on the counter for long stretches. Errr, wait. Did I get that right…?

  7. Sunshine Girl Writes

    Thank you for making me laugh today. I’m definitely not a bot, more of a “lurker”. I started a blog because I had so many stories rattling around in my head. I passionately wrote four articles and then real life got in the way. You give me hope!

  8. shadowbassmeow

    I kinda do the same thing. I don’t blog as much unless i have something in mind. I like cats, i daydream, i write my book, i’m watching a TV show right now…and I totally forgot why i making a comment.

  9. elmediat

    The trick is to convince yourself that blogging is actually an addiction and then try and stop. :)

    BTW I have no social life. :D

    Great post.

  10. Issa

    I think finding the tea was just somethin to look for to and go “oh there you are I have been looking all over the place”. Funny thing is its actually funny

  11. Pingback: The Comic Shop Life: Day 4, Thursday (Screaming Nerds, Ladies of Comicdom, & Extra Videos) | …Of Course, this Could All Go Horribly Awry

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