She’s (Not) Leaving Home

There are a lot of things I struggle with. Making friends, for example. Confronting jerks, avoiding celery, deciding if listening to an audiobook counts as reading or not. These are my crosses to bear. But the most difficult thing for me to do in the whole, entire world — a world full of potential friends and jerks, celery and audiobooks — is to leave the house.

If I was the independently wealthy sort, I would never, ever, ever leave my home. Well. I might occasionally venture out to my garden to glare at the plants that refuse to grow, but other than that, you would never see me out there. Yes, if I had my way I would be a hermit.

No, the other kind of hermit.

That’s not what I mean.

Hear me out! This is not like that time I was going to join a cult. I’ve really thought this one through.

Pros of Becoming a Recluse

  1. The internet makes it really easy to be a hermit. When St. Simeon of Trier did it in the 11th century, he had to live in a cave and rely on a very tired monk to bring him food every day. Now you can just push a button and all kinds of stuff is delivered right to your front step. Sorry, Simeon.
  2. You’d be able to focus better on goals and projects because you’d be spending less time and energy navigating society.
  3. There are far fewer opportunities to sunburn when you’re inside all the time.
  4. When you don’t want to talk to people, no one’s like, “Ugh, what a snob.” Instead they whisper, “Poor thing” to each other with meaningful looks and leave you alone.
  5. You’d have fewer stupid conversations. Except maybe with yourself.

See? Being a recluse sounds great. A lot of famous, totally normal people were reclusive, you know.

Famous Recluses

  1. Emily Brontë, who was apparently once bitten by a rabid dog and burned the injury off on her own instead of talking to anyone about it.

    Emily was the most metal of the Bronte sisters.

    Emily was the most metal of the Bronte sisters.

  2. Emily Dickinson, who only wore white and spoke to all visitors through a door for at least 15 years.
  3. Greta Garbo, who would only act if she was behind black screens so the crew couldn’t watch her.
  4. Harper Lee, who has taken a page from Boo Radley’s book (er, her own book, I guess) and won’t talk to anyone.
  5. Howard Hughes, who sat in a dark room for four months, rearranging Kleenex boxes and peeing in bottles.

…That list did not go as well as I wanted. Fine. There are some drawbacks to being a recluse.

Cons of Being a Recluse

  1. I bet you forget how to fit in with other people. Which probably makes you feel weird and alienated and sad.
  2. If you ever decide to rejoin society, you run the risk of being surprised by every single new thing you see. And if you were inside long enough, everything will be new.
  3. Knights on quests are always coming by to ask hermits for advice. Hello, knights? Don’t you get it? THEY’RE HERMITS. THEY DON’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU OR ANYONE.
  4. Everyone worries about you and tries to fix you. Your friends may physically drag you from your home to do “fun” things. Unhelpful family members may suggest hobbies aimed at getting you out of the house, like hiking or playing sports, two areas in which you have shown neither interest nor ability.
  5. If you’re going to be a full-on hermit hermit, I think you need to wear a beard. I’ve heard they’re itchy.
...That's still not what I meant.

That’s still not what I mean.

I’m 25. Maybe that’s a little early to decide whether or not to eschew humanity. It’s probably a good idea to give it a few more years while I build up my hermit savings. Maybe while I’m waiting I’ll see something so cool that I won’t want to spend the next few decades hiding from people in my dark house with the shades down.

Maybe. But I doubt it.

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22 comments

  1. womanphenomenally

    This is a real funny article! Although I think either you’re completely joking or there’s something else happening why you don’t feel the need to interact with other people. But love your style!

  2. fredrieka

    Momwithoutpaws has cabin fever so recluse she could never be. Yet there are days she is like one of your photos CRABBY

  3. queenbookworm

    More hermit pros for your list: 1)you can stay in your pajamas all day; 2) you don’t have to wear makeup; 3) you’ll save money because you won’t be shopping at the mall – just stay off the internet & don’t watch QVC; 4) you don’t have to clean the bathroom for visitors; and, 5) you can let your roots grow out. Ask me how I know!

  4. shenanitim

    Move to a foreign country. You can be a hermit and no one will notice or care. Because even if you do venture out, you won’t be able to communicate with 98% of the population anyway! Korea has been a godsend for this recluse. No more worrying about denying Facebook invitations (or just not showing up and having to make up excuses); as long as I avoid the handful of Westerners roaming around town no one can say anything!

  5. bloodandthunder

    This pretty much describes exactly how I feel about society and humanity. Especially the stupid conversations and just generally having to talk to people part.

    I love you.

  6. boomerangvariety

    I am 25, and while I have always been pretty good at social interactions, I have slowly moved in the direction of not leaving the house/interacting with me. But I emphasize that I’m very slowly moving in that direction…the slower you do it, the less people will notice! Haha! Great article, funny read. Thanks!

  7. Marissa Q.

    If you decide to be a recluse, do you promise to keep blogging? I really like reading this stuff.

  8. Susannah Ailene Martin

    Even though I’m in college, I’m pretty much a hermit. I don’t have a room right now, and I LOVE to be alone. So if I’m not in class, I like to stay in my room and write things. Of course, I do occasionally have to come out and do human things. The good news is the friends that I’ve made understand my need to be hermitty.

  9. The False Prophet

    You could do what my brother once did and become something like the Facebook Recluse. That means you open a Facebook account but you just don’t accept any friends … see if that works out and then work your way up to becoming a real recluse. Have a prophet-able day – The False Prophet

  10. laugraeva

    “2. If you ever decide to rejoin society, you run the risk of being surprised by every single new thing you see. And if you were inside long enough, everything will be new.” That would be a massive PRO for becoming a recluse. Everything would be new and shiny and fascinating! Or utterly depressing – like coming out of solitary living and seeing selfie sticks. Yuck.

  11. squirrelythoughts87

    I deff understand being a Hermit. My husband tells me I always “Hibernate” in the winter. I can tell you thought from first hand… I did the whole… isolating from the world thing… Only my way involved a SHIT LOAD of alcohol. And im here to tell you that the world does seem strange when you go back out in to it. Its scary and unwelcoming, or it could just be because I was seeing everything “clearly” now. Who knows. I deff don’t suggest going total hermit. But I also am a big fan of a little hibernation.

  12. i_am_olumide

    lol. i love this. i finally met my match. i am a hermit, sort of. but according to my culture over here, being a hermit is a sin. so i have little or no friends but thank God i found you. you are amazing!

  13. Pingback: Send Me a Postcard, Drop Me a Line | Listful Thinking

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