The last time I wrote a poem was for a class in college. It was about a shark who ate people and it didn’t end well for my mental health. I still wake up at night worrying about the Malawi Terror Beast.
What I’m trying to say is, I don’t know anything about poetry. I can’t remember the rules for writing a sestina, I’m not sure what differentiates an ode from a ballad and I wouldn’t know iambic pentameter if it systematically chewed my face off, Malawi Terror Beast-style. I can identify a haiku and a limerick, but I don’t know what T.S. Eliot’s deal was and I can never tell if e.e. is cummings or goings.
Even though I couldn’t rhyme my way out of a bongo drum, I know a good line when I hear it. Lately I’ve been hearing them in the last place I thought I would: the spam comments on this blog.
I assume that computers are responsible for generating spam’s trademark gobbledygook (or maybe those typing monkeys everyone’s always talking about who are supposed to be busy writing Hamlet?), and if that’s the case, I’m telling you right now that we need to start worrying about the machine uprising. These suckers are sensuous.
Like any paranoid worth her salt, I’ve been keeping a meticulous log of the more poetic spam comments I’ve received over the last couple months. I present the poems and their occasionally unpronounceable authors to you here in a short anthology, because the terrifying knowledge that the machines are becoming cultured shouldn’t prevent us from enjoying the aesthetics of their verse.
Couplets and Haikus
By Legit Work From Home Jobs
Men have become the
wind framing beauty. Cheap
What a material of un-ambiguity and perverseness,
of valuable familiarity about unexpected emotions.
3. Battle Hardened
By No Fault Auto Insurance
I have seen the bravest warriors’ neighbor recently:
Contrary is his middle name.
Quatrains and Cinquains
1. Love is a Lovely Child
If we can’t get married, you remember to have the look of my children.
I promised myself to tell you, love is eBay. Love is a lovely child.
If not us, then please a little love for him.
When he is not born, he Gucci understood my heart a deep secret.
2. After the Apocalypse
By Free Instagram Followers
Over the course of the initial period, they began to form group identities.
I asked the clan about suspicious zombie activity in the area.
They will work together using democracy
to decide what is in the best interest of the people.
3. Fairy Tale
But the dwarf was enraged at his behaviour,
and laid a fairy spell of ill-luck upon him so that as he rode on,
the mountain pass became narrower and narrower,
and at last the way was so straightened that he could not go to instant payday loans.
4. On the Shore
By Receitas de Dieta Para Emagrecer
And meanwhile the railway
must have its fuel every day
and payday loans, payday!
Here and there,
the awful monotony of waving reeds.
That’s one of my favorites; I like the imagery. I don’t know what it is about these words– they just get to me. I find myself thinking about them long after deleting the comment, wondering about the hard questions they ask. I even have a favorite spam poet. As you’ll see, the prolific Michael Kors Bags is a master at his, or her, or its, craft.
Highlights from the Work of Michael Kors Bags
1. Aged Mechanisms
Do not fend off dynamical trends,
yet continue in your turnout.
You do not birth any aged mechanism
that bequeath your credibleness.
Gambits and machinations in which
it’s hard to tell the good guys from the bad.
2. Channel Surfing
The diminutive Spaniard controlled the game
like a player vastly more experienced
than he could possibly–No party with an unbroken
two-year lead has failed to win the election
in the past 40 years–I won’t give too much away,
but the hand he’s been dealt in life is so pitiful–The fact
that we need to opt out of the database–for shale gas
will lead to the development of industrial sites and disturbance–
I don’t want to lose one of my friends to neknominations.
3. Cannonball A
The corresponding LaChapelle photo
depicts a woman lying in a hospital bed,
starring grotesque Madonna
and Courtney Love impersonators.
Also under surveillance are men
who have threatened officials from behind bars
after fighting on the side of the Taliban.
This is a vast country.
As she grew, the ignorance trifecta.
Approximate thing you form–male or female?
Outstanding quest there. What occurred after?
All the time, go after your heart.
I don’t know what any of it means. I just know it makes me feel things.