I’ve Got a Feeling

Everyday Things That Are The Worst

1. Grocery bags that break at really bad moments

2. When you wake up in the morning with bug bites you didn’t have when you went to bed

3. Other people looking at your forgotten Photo Booth pictures

OH LIKE YOU NEVER GET BORED.

OH LIKE YOU NEVER GET BORED.

4. Freckling

5. Celery

Those things are bad, but there’s one everyday inconvenience worse than all of them combined: feelings.

I hate feelings. I don’t trust them as far as I can throw them, which isn’t very far because they’re intangible concepts with no mass.

And if you could throw them, I bet it would go a lot like this.

And if you could throw them, I bet it would go a lot like this.

I don’t like other people’s emotions, but I really hate my own. I would rather be locked in a room full of inexplicably angry strangers than analyze or discuss my own mood swings. Sometimes I can blame hormones, but more often than not I have to chalk them up to my brain being completely crazy pants. One time a friend and I were talking about how cute it would be if I kept a baby seal in a kiddie pool in my living room and I started crying. I’m still trying to figure that one out and I was there.

I don’t know why emotional reactions make me so uncomfortable, but I’ll do almost anything to avoid them. Last year, for example, I went through a two-week period where my face exploded into a geyser of blood every time I even thought about crying. I probably should have been freaked out about possible medical issues, but I was mostly just relieved not to have to deal with any tears.

Unfortunately, feelings are a lot like those mysterious nighttime bug bites: they’re inconvenient and unattractive, and no matter what we do, eventually we all get them. Also, they itch like crazy.

What I’m trying to say is, this post is about to get a little weird. Things may become kind of squicky. I’m really sorry about that. We’ll be back to regularly-scheduled, Vulcan-like awkwardness in no time.

A couple of months ago, I came down with a serious case of itchy, bumpy feelings that would not go away. (Ew. I need a new simile.) Following a series of unfortunate revelations, I had a tiny breakdown that resulted in eccentric behavior like getting overly attached to a stray cat I named “Frankincense and Purr”, forgetting to eat and then overcompensating with inhuman amounts of pizza, and doing a lot of compulsive, pensive showering. Like, even on my lunch break.

When I wasn’t thoughtfully staring at the tiles in my shower or thinking of other cat-related puns, I spent more time than I care to recall trying very, very hard not to cry for no good reason. I’ve heard yawning or looking upwards can help stop you from tearing up, but in my book there’s really only one way to do it. You have to make a mental list of awesome things until you fall asleep or get distracted.

Some of the Best, Most-Wonderful, Fabulous Things in the History of Everything

1. Knee-high socks

2. When the fortune in your cookie kind of applies to your life

3. Snow that’s too sparkly to be cold

4. Knowing you made a really good pun

5. Root beer floats on the Fourth of July

6. The minute right before you fall asleep where you’re like, “Sleep? Is that you? I’LL NEVER LEAVE YOU AGAIN.”

7. When you finally get to pee on a road trip

8. That feeling at the top of a really tall wooden roller coaster

9. Remembering that grade-A lunatic Andrew Jackson was once president of the United States

10. Babies eating lemons:

11. The Princess Bride

12. Han Solo

13. Clean bedsheets

14. Mashed potatoes

15. Standing under a Cinnabon vent

16. David Bowie’s facial expressions in the “China Girl” music video

17. Brendan Fraser‘s very existence

18. When you walk into work and someone brought donuts out of the goodness of their heart and expects nothing in return

19. People whose winks are impossibly discreet

20. Everyone who reads this blog. I’m not trying to suck up to you, I swear. I can’t even tell you how much I appreciate you guys for reading my dumb puns and sticking with me, even when things get all touchy-feely and weird.

Thank you for existing. You’re the best.

P.S., If that emotional outpouring freaked you out a little bit, I wrote a guest post on the Outlier Collective this week that’s much less gooey. I was supposed to write about why whaling is stupid, but it’s mostly about my mega-crush on Herman Melville (THE HANDSOME DEVIL).

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29 comments

  1. kellyscott57

    your grocery bags item is funny why? May 1st, in Eugene, Oregon? plastic grocery bags have been banned why?? typical Eugene? ok as my fav talk show host calls these environmental wackos so worried about the earth? that now? lets say its raining cats and puppies? you don’t have a car? you have to rely only on the city bus? and now your brown bag is getting soaked to the skin? why??? its raining!!! and now praytell?? all the once items you thought?? you had nicely stored in the bag?? are now all over the parking lot , why??? its raining!!! and your brown bag?? is now soaked and torn.???.

  2. Dakota

    I had thisI’m crying thing happen to me for two weeks, I’m just coming away from it I think. I keep trying to explain it to my boyfriend but he thinks I’m nuts and I’m almost inclined to agree. Almost.

  3. sarah9188

    Yes! I now know why I cry at the drop of a hat: “my brain being completely crazy pants.” Thank you so much. And I love your list oh so much. Seriously. I agree with you on almost every single one! Number 6 is my favorite because apparently Sleep and I are not on good terms so I cling to the few moments we have together.

  4. kellyscott57

    I think again Humor has vanished from the face of the earth? here’s a funny tidbit in fact a couple…
    My friend knew a guy who was an umpire of course he was getting bashed by the fans.so he goes over to the fans and says My mom died about 5 days ago and she would have wanted me to do this so could you guys sort of back off??? they did ..but guess what??? he was kidding…
    that same friend told me of the time he was teaching and a couple kids came and said there were some kids cussing nearby his response was “what the hell did they say?” ooops

  5. kellyscott57

    #4 puns???? ok look out?//
    I’m right now making a mark or a line on a piece of paper? and now I’m standing on it?? what am I doing???
    I’m online???
    I know groan!!!
    I’m now looking at a piece of wood….I’m board???? ouch
    My scissors are nearby? If I pick them up??? I might be a real cutup ??? now that was a streach????
    and now ill stop before I get kicked offline for ever????

  6. Sasha

    Oh my word, I’d have to write a “reply post” to comment on all that this. So many things I agree with and yeah Princess Bride… !

    Weirdly enough I don’t like emotions either, like other people’s and of course I hate my own and despise the fact that I am freaking feeling emotions all the time! The only time I’m not is when I have to pay attention to what I am feeling to tell my therapist. Then yeah, I’m an instant Vulcan, like my mom.

    Tomorrow I am turning everything off from my cell to my TV so I can pay attention to ugh, feelings, and I bet I spend the entire day not feeling anything, ha!

  7. brokenbelladonna

    Girl, I’m going through an excessive attack of emotions ATM too, it’s just so… crap. I feel your pain, literally or figuretively, whatever you’re more comfy with.

    BTW I am on the freckle bandwagon too. As a blonde in Australia, I kinda have to be.

  8. Is Everyone an Idiot but Me?

    Haha your posts are very relatable. We all have embarrassing photo booths pictures that we didn’t think to delete and never thought someone might stumble upon…thanks for sharing one of yours. I also hate waking up with new bug bites. It is so unsettling to think of what might be in your bed, your precious haven, crawling all over you while you lay there unaware. Some nights I do a thorough bug check of my sheets and walls to make sure I am really alone.

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