Everyday Things That Are The Worst
1. Grocery bags that break at really bad moments
2. When you wake up in the morning with bug bites you didn’t have when you went to bed
3. Other people looking at your forgotten Photo Booth pictures
Those things are bad, but there’s one everyday inconvenience worse than all of them combined: feelings.
I hate feelings. I don’t trust them as far as I can throw them, which isn’t very far because they’re intangible concepts with no mass.
I don’t like other people’s emotions, but I really hate my own. I would rather be locked in a room full of inexplicably angry strangers than analyze or discuss my own mood swings. Sometimes I can blame hormones, but more often than not I have to chalk them up to my brain being completely crazy pants. One time a friend and I were talking about how cute it would be if I kept a baby seal in a kiddie pool in my living room and I started crying. I’m still trying to figure that one out and I was there.
I don’t know why emotional reactions make me so uncomfortable, but I’ll do almost anything to avoid them. Last year, for example, I went through a two-week period where my face exploded into a geyser of blood every time I even thought about crying. I probably should have been freaked out about possible medical issues, but I was mostly just relieved not to have to deal with any tears.
Unfortunately, feelings are a lot like those mysterious nighttime bug bites: they’re inconvenient and unattractive, and no matter what we do, eventually we all get them. Also, they itch like crazy.
What I’m trying to say is, this post is about to get a little weird. Things may become kind of squicky. I’m really sorry about that. We’ll be back to regularly-scheduled, Vulcan-like awkwardness in no time.
A couple of months ago, I came down with a serious case of itchy, bumpy feelings that would not go away. (Ew. I need a new simile.) Following a series of unfortunate revelations, I had a tiny breakdown that resulted in eccentric behavior like getting overly attached to a stray cat I named “Frankincense and Purr”, forgetting to eat and then overcompensating with inhuman amounts of pizza, and doing a lot of compulsive, pensive showering. Like, even on my lunch break.
When I wasn’t thoughtfully staring at the tiles in my shower or thinking of other cat-related puns, I spent more time than I care to recall trying very, very hard not to cry for no good reason. I’ve heard yawning or looking upwards can help stop you from tearing up, but in my book there’s really only one way to do it. You have to make a mental list of awesome things until you fall asleep or get distracted.
Some of the Best, Most-Wonderful, Fabulous Things in the History of Everything
1. Knee-high socks
2. When the fortune in your cookie kind of applies to your life
3. Snow that’s too sparkly to be cold
4. Knowing you made a really good pun
5. Root beer floats on the Fourth of July
6. The minute right before you fall asleep where you’re like, “Sleep? Is that you? I’LL NEVER LEAVE YOU AGAIN.”
7. When you finally get to pee on a road trip
8. That feeling at the top of a really tall wooden roller coaster
9. Remembering that grade-A lunatic Andrew Jackson was once president of the United States
10. Babies eating lemons:
11. The Princess Bride
12. Han Solo
13. Clean bedsheets
14. Mashed potatoes
15. Standing under a Cinnabon vent
16. David Bowie’s facial expressions in the “China Girl” music video
17. Brendan Fraser‘s very existence
18. When you walk into work and someone brought donuts out of the goodness of their heart and expects nothing in return
19. People whose winks are impossibly discreet
20. Everyone who reads this blog. I’m not trying to suck up to you, I swear. I can’t even tell you how much I appreciate you guys for reading my dumb puns and sticking with me, even when things get all touchy-feely and weird.
Thank you for existing. You’re the best.
P.S., If that emotional outpouring freaked you out a little bit, I wrote a guest post on the Outlier Collective this week that’s much less gooey. I was supposed to write about why whaling is stupid, but it’s mostly about my mega-crush on Herman Melville (THE HANDSOME DEVIL).