I’m having the scariest Halloween season ever. It’s not the haunted corn maze my roommate keeps trying to get me to see (because I definitely need another weird complex associated with vegetables). It’s not the girls who literally have to tape their body parts to make sure everything stays inside their skimpy costumes. It’s not even the inhuman number of Pumpkin Spice Lattes I’ve been drinking in preparation for the long, dark, Pumpkin Spice-less time known as “The Rest of the Year”. Those things are frightening, but the most terrifying part of this Halloween– the thing that’s been keeping me up at night in a cold sweat and haunting my dreams when I finally manage to sleep– is the sudden, horrifying epiphany I had last week.
I finally figured out what makes monsters so scary.
They’re my ex-boyfriends!
The Ten Monsters We’ve All Dated
1) Kraken boyfriends are too clingy.
The Kraken boyfriend is so nice. He’s so, so nice. He’s emotionally supportive! He loves to hang out with you! He loves to hug you! He REALLY loves to hug you. Like, all the time. Actually, it’s kind of suffocating. If you love something, set it free, Kraken boyfriend! I FEEL LIKE I’M DROWNING IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
2) Werewolf boyfriends are doggedly loyal.
Your Werewolf boyfriend is the nicest guy ever. He loves going on romantic walks. He’ll wait all day for you to come home and greet you happily, even if you’ve ignored him all day. He’s a little too hairy and he has this annoying habit of always trying to sneak a bite of your food at restaurants, but you forgive him because he loves you unconditionally. Then one night, you’re out for a moonlit walk and your Werewolf boyfriend loses it. He’s snapping at people, he’s running around destroying nice things, and he disappears into the night. He’ll show up apologetically a few days later, but inside, you’ll know it’s too late. Your relationship needs a silver bullet between the eyes. You’ve changed, Werewolf boyfriend. You’ve changed.
3) Creature from the Black Lagoon boyfriends are clammy.
Sure, the Creature from the Black Lagoon boyfriend has great shoulders from his college swimming days, but you can’t build a relationship on nice shoulders alone. You’re from two different worlds, and he’s emotionally distant. You can try to pry some affection out of him, but he never takes the bait. Ultimately, you’re forced to recognize you’re dating a cold fish and it was never meant to be.
4) Mummy boyfriends are too wrapped up in themselves.
I’m especially susceptible to the curse of the Mummy boyfriend. I have a soft spot for boney hipsters, and these guys are always talking about how they were into some band or hobby, like, millenia before anyone else was. They’re usually from affluent backgrounds, but you wouldn’t know it from the way they dress. They talk a big game, but when you really peel back the layers, well… there’s never much substance to the Mummy boyfriend.
5) Cthulhu boyfriends just want to sleep all the time.
Cthulhu boyfriends tend to be older guys (but not, you know, ancient) with big, world-changing dreams. It’s fun to freak your friends out with your devotion to someone they’ll never understand, but eventually it gets boring. The Old One naps a lot. He never leaves the house. You start to wonder if he’s maybe a little bit dead inside. Eventually, the whole thing makes you so anxious and unsettled that you have to leave, or risk being driven mad.
6) King Kong boyfriends are a little too handsy.
Frankly, it’s bananas! King Kong boyfriends do like to travel and see tourist attractions, which is fun, but they’ll fight anyone– Tyrannosaurus Rex*, octopuses*, Godzilla. Anyone. Tread lightly around your King Kong boyfriend.
7) The Invisible Man boyfriend is never there when you need him.
Of course, he’s always around when you’d rather he wasn’t, but the Invisible Man boyfriend won’t go out with you. He detests public displays of affection, preferring to stay under the radar. He doesn’t want to meet any of your friends. If this goes on long enough, your friends will begin to doubt you were seeing anyone at all.
8) Frankenstein’s Monster boyfriends only want you for your body.
The worst part about the Frankenstein boyfriend is that he’ll go on and on about how he’s misunderstood because he’s so sensitive but girls never see past his fierce facade. All he wants in life, he’ll claim, is another person who really gets him. At first you’ll fall for the “I’m so lonely” routine, but eventually it will all become shockingly clear: your Frankenstein boyfriend is warm for your form, but the rest of your relationship has no fire.
9) Zombie boyfriends love you for your brains!
My zombie contingency plan is probably different than most people’s because I’m a sucker for any guy who says he likes my BRAAAAAAINS, but Zombie boyfriends are not all they’re cracked up to be. They’re very driven individuals. That same drive is a double-edged machete, though. It’s nice to see a man with ambition, but you have to be extra careful that your Zombie boyfriend doesn’t take you out while pursuing his goals, or completely assimilate you to his cause. Zombie boyfriends may lack the sex appeal of other monsters… er, men. They’re also susceptible to groupthink, and they will probably try to eat you. You win some, you lose some.