Dancing with Myself

Guess who has two thumbs, a nerdy blog, and doesn’t have to join a cult quite yet because she totally got a job?

THIS GUY.

(Girl.)


Jobs are great! Not only is the whole “being a productive member of society” thing fun, but now I can afford food and shelter! Food and shelter is the best! Hooray for jobs! This job is particularly awesome because I get benefits. You can tell how wonderful benefits are by the name. If they were terrible, they would be called “hindrances” and no one would ever sign up for them. As far as I’m concerned, there’s only one drawback to having benefits and that’s the paperwork.

When the HR lady handed me a folder the size of a phone book and told me to sign everything and bring it back, I laughed and said, “No problem!”

I cracked it open just before midnight the morning of my first day and didn’t finish signing things for hours. HOURS. My fingers cramped. I thought about crying. I imagine it’s how William Shatner feels after an appearance at Comic-Con. The good news is, my right forearm is now disproportionately strong, meaning I can sign any blank line in under half a second. Really. Throw one at me right now. I’ll sign it so fast you won’t even see me move.

You didn’t see anything, did you?

The fatigue isn’t what gets you, though. You’ll never feel more alone on the planet than you do after you’ve checked the box for “single” on three million different forms and made your mom the beneficiary for payments in case of your accidental death or dismemberment.

By the Way, About Accidental Death and Dismemberment Insurance

– Does that… does that happen a lot in offices? Is there something I can do to avoid my accidental death and dismemberment?
– Why is it accidental death AND dismemberment, not accidental death OR dismemberment? Do you have to die in a very specific way?
– I hope every character in Game of Thrones has a policy like this.
– Doesn’t the name make you wonder about insurance fraud and the people who are purposely dismembering themselves? WAS IT WORTH IT, YOU ARMLESS LIARS?

It just felt like every time I had to check the “single” box again, my folder o’ benefits was judging me. Every new form made it worse.

Look! I made a Flowchart of Loneliness! Click to embiggen.

In the end, I’m pretty sure I wound up with the Sad Cat Lady retirement package. Sure, I pay less for insurance, but it’s enough to make a person give up and start collecting handsome strangers’ DNA in case cloning goes mainstream.

Others might get kind of down, but not me. I coped by making a list. And it’s not one of those painful, cynical lists that bitter people write either. I THINK IT HAS SOME FAIR POINTS.

Being Single is the Best!!!!

1) No one’s around to roll their eyes at your bad jokes! On the other hand, no one is around to stop you from tweeting the particularly awful ones.

2) You don’t have to waste your time stalking someone on every social media platform. Being alone (and not mooning over someone) means you spend less time clicking through Facebook pictures they’ve forgotten they were in and more time doing important stuff!

Like Photoshopping your glasses onto the Incredible Hulk.

3) You know how people bring bad days home with them from work and affect their partners? Not the singles. No, sir. The buck stops here with us. We’re making the world a sunnier place by containing our bad vibes.

4) Driving yourself to the airport gives you a lot of time to reflect on all the other alone time you have.

5) You always get to pick the restaurants, the driving music, the TV shows, and the movies.

6) The number of uncomfortable family gatherings you’re required to attend gets slashed in half when there’s only one family contending for your time.

7) You can talk about your celebrity crushes non-stop because no one’s around to get jealous. In fact, when your friends are talking about their partners, sometimes it’s fun to whip out a picture of some heartthrob and wax poetic on their virtues. Everyone gets the hint and shuts up.

Have you met my husband Peter Steele, deceased lead singer of the goth-metal band Type O Negative? WE’RE IN LOVE.

8) For me, the worst part of relationships is at the very beginning when you’re still trying to gauge how much the other person likes you. Being the person who’s more into it is awful, but the other side is just as bad. I hate pretending to care less or more than I actually do and constantly worrying about what the other person is thinking. Maybe good relationships aren’t like that, but all of mine have been and I’m over it. When you’re alone, that all goes away! Can you imagine looking in the mirror and going, “I think you’re cute and all, but I’m not really looking for a commitment right now, you know? I knew you’d understand.” while another part of you nods bravely and pretends that’s totally cool? Some days I like myself and some days I don’t, but I always know exactly where I stand.

9) You save so much money! You don’t have to pay for dates, or gifts, or food for two people, so instead you can buy awesome things like  the olive green skinny jeans I immediately regretted purchasing today.

10) You never have to shave. Ever. Not that you have to shave in a relationship anyway, but I’ve found that other people are less accepting of my leg hair. Do you want to wear sweatpants all weekend? Do it! You don’t have to impress anyone. Oh, you have coffee breath? That’s ok! No one wanted to kiss you anyway! I’m not saying you should totally let yourself go. I just want you to be aware of how much freedom single people have.

We may all die alone, but they’ll never take our FREEEEEDOM!

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35 comments

  1. Deborah - d.mooncrab

    Congrats on the job! Being single is being in a relationship with yourself ..the one you like the most, how bad can it be!? ;-)

    • Stephanie

      I think I’m going to have more time than I’ve had since July, actually! Yay! (Knock on wood– I say that and it will be the last thing you hear from me until January…)

  2. Dan Bain

    Congrats on the job; please tell us more! Also, know what’s perfect for a young, single, funny woman? Improv! Any clubs/troupes near you? If you’re not in one already, you should be. Get thee to a ComedySportz….

    • Stephanie

      Thanks! I’m a web content coordinator, which means I get to put words on the internet. Kind of like I already do for fun. I don’t think we have a lot of improv happening nearby, but I’m intrigued! I’ll look into it!

    • Random

      I agree with Dan. Improv is a blast! Too bad you don’t live nearby. I’ve been getting an improv group together and we’d love to have you!

  3. sarahnsh

    That is so exciting that you got a job, congrats! I still filled out the single form when I was in a relationship and engaged, I think it only matters to say you aren’t single when you’re married. I would check single and think in my head, ‘more money for me, yay!’ ;-)

  4. anecdotaltales

    17 kinds of delightfulness here. Kudos on the job; hopefully it’s worth the paperwork. The flowchart? Genius. And your list as always, is superb. I like #8. But I would suggest #11: You don’t have to plan around someone else’s schedule. There’s a new movie out? I can see it when I want! There’s a new episode of that great new show to watch? You don’t have to wait for other person to come around, watch at will! I’ll let you go call your mom for her social security number. Again. Just as we all do.

    • Stephanie

      Thanks! That’s a really good one, too. I’m never nice enough to plan around another person’s schedule. I just tell them they have to fit into mine. Hmm. Flexibility might be a thing to work on during this lengthy episode of singledom.

  5. Jorie

    Congrats on the job! I laughed to you photoshopping your glasses on the incredible hulk. That’s the kind of stuff married people DREAM they had the time for. (I’m assuming. I’m totally not married).

    • Stephanie

      Thanks! I bet you’re right. I bet married couples are like, “Yeah, having a spouse is ok… I just wish I had more time to Photoshop my own glasses onto the Incredible Hulk.”

  6. butimbeautiful

    Just what I think myself! Although,the perfect relationship would be one where he’s utterly devoted but completely undemanding and on call. And looks like that dead rock star. Congrats on the job!

    • Stephanie

      Thank you! I’m pretty sure you’ve figured out the recipe for the perfect man. I’ll just sit here not shaving and eating whatever I want until he finds me.

  7. Tophat

    My favorite part of being single is watching my family completely lose their minds about it.
    “So uh… babies? Yes? Are you hiding any?”
    “Errr, not as such.”
    “Look, I’m not saying you need a relationship. I’m just saying there need to be babies, immediately.”
    “So… I should get a prostitute?”
    “I’m not saying that. I’m just saying that you should have babies, even if you have to pay someone for them.”
    “… What.”

      • Tophat

        I certainly think so! I never got the appeal. Everyone always goes nuts for babies, but when it comes right down to it they all kinda like Winston Churchill: pudgy, balding, wrinkly old men. Only when these ones poop constantly, it’s… endearing?
        Oh, society. You’re so wacky.

  8. ldiebold

    Being single gives me more time to practice and watch star trek, but maybe there’s more to life… Better read your list again before this thought goes any further!

  9. Pingback: Doctor, Doctor, Give Me the News | Listful Thinking

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