Follow Me, Everything is Alright

You know what’s really cool in today’s economy? Getting a job right after graduation. You know what’s slightly less cool? Getting a job right after graduation that only lasts until Election Day, which is exactly what I did. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been an invaluable experience, and reassuring concerned relatives I wasn’t going to starve to death was a great feeling, but ultimately all I accomplished was pausing my job search-induced freakout another four months. I guess I should have said, “I’m not going to starve to death… yet.” when I was talking to my grandma.

Now I can afford to put frozen vegetables in my ramen! I’m really living the dream.


There are 42 increasingly shorter days until the election, which means I have about 50 days until the soul-crushing panic starts all over again. I’m not worried about it, though, because I had the best idea ever the other day. I’m going to join a cult.

Wait! Wait! Hear me out! Sure, I had this idea during one of my weirder Dayquil moments, and sure, cults have a bad reputation. I think we should make a pro/con list, don’t you?

Joining a Cult: The Pros and Cons

Pros:

– I won’t have to find a job in November. I don’t know a lot about cults, but I assume once you move into the heavily-armed compound your cult probably occupies, someone looks you up and down and says, “Hmm. Here’s your spade. You’re a gardener now.” That makes everything so much easier!

– Maybe I’m really good at gardening or shirt weaving or child bearing or whatever. I don’t know! I’ve never tried any of those things before! They could be right up my alley.

Free Kool-Aid?

– I’ve always wanted to grow my hair out, but I’ve never had an appropriate setting.

– Because of my current job, I have extensive recruitment experience. Converting new members would be a breeze.

– No more budgeting for groceries! (Right? I assume that’s all on the cult leader, and I have no interest in becoming one of those. Come on, I’m not crazy.)

– I’d get to hang out with very charismatic people. Those guys seem fun in a hypnotic, homicidal way.

Maybe “fun” is the wrong word.

– It would cut down on awkward small talk. For example, next time someone asks what I’m doing with my degree, I’ll say, “I’m joining a cult!”

What do you say to someone who looks you in the eye and tells you that? There’s nowhere for the conversation to go. In fact, it’s probably wiser to turn without a word and walk quickly away.

– I bet I wouldn’t have to actively worry over my love life anymore, which is kind of gross but also kind of a relief.

– There’s always the appeal of potential notoriety. I wouldn’t be Another Recent College Graduate anymore. I’d be One of Those Weird Cult Members. That’s kind of cool.

– I’d get to be around people who really get me, you know?

– I would no longer have to save money to buy responsible things, like kitchenware or a bed. I might even learn how to make those things by hand! My middle school shop teacher will be so proud.

– I feel like I’d smile more. Even if it was a creepy, empty smile.

– Cults probably have really good inside jokes.

Oh, you. You terrible, terrible human, you.

– I can afford to be more zealous about things.

– Trying new things is always fun!

– When I leave the cult, I can write a bestselling, tell-all book. Not that I’d ever leave the cult.

– I’ve never seen a goat sacrifice before. That could be either horrifying or cool. My money’s on horrifying, but you know what they say: “Don’t knock it ’til you try it!”

Cons:

– Sometimes they kill other people.

– Sometimes they kill themselves.

– Sometimes they kill other people and themselves.

– I don’t really see myself handling a Waco-type situation well.

Actually, now that I take a step back and really look at it…

Let me try the introduction to this post one more time: You know what’s really cool? Getting a job right after graduation. You know what’s slightly less cool? Getting a job that only lasts until Election Day. You know what’s really, really not cool? JOINING A CULT.

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20 comments

    • Stephanie

      I feel like everyone in the world has one thing that they’re really good at, whether it’s sports, or Trivial Pursuit, or finding good parking spots. I’m totally convinced that my thing is something obscure/useless that I’ll probably never try and that makes me very sad. Might as well give basket-weaving a whirl!

    • Stephanie

      Ha. That IS how pro/con lists are supposed to work, but I feel like some of my cons outweigh the pros. The drawbacks of murder, for example, are slightly more serious than the benefits of free Kool-Aid. (Kool-Aid is pretty great, though.)

      • andreatatiana

        They make pretty thing! I was looking at one that made hammocks. Making hammocks and farming and what not sounds amazing. Unfortunately, they are frustrating to join because you basically have to give up your whole life before you even know if they will let you in.

  1. fabulouslyawkwardgirl

    Ha! This is great. I had never thought about the benefits of joining a cult and now I can’t stop imagining how awesome it would be to live in an environment where I could pull off having dread locks as a white girl. Ever since Bonnaroo 2005, that has been a dream of mine and joining a cult would make that dream an easier reality. Hmmm…

    • Stephanie

      As a very foolish 9-year-old, I promised my grandma I would never rock the white girl dreads. I regret that promise every. single. day.
      (Then I realize I might regret dreadlocks more.)

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