I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

I don’t pretend to know how WordPress works. I just type things and people read them, then WordPress sends me an email at the end of the year with fireworks in it. Now you know why I’ve never written a post on how to blog.

I did something to earn these. I’m still not sure what.

What I do know is that the stats page is pretty much the greatest thing ever. I love me some quantifiable data. And maps. And tiny flag icons. LOVE ‘EM. But the best part by far is the “Search Engine Terms” box. I don’t know how many of you non-Wordpress users knew this, but I can totally see the search engine terms that bring you to my blog. Boy, should you be ashamed.

It’s also kind of embarrassing for me. I shouldn’t make fun of people for using weird search terms to find me because my weird posts brought them here. I shouldn’t… but I do anyway.

Highlights from Listful Thinking’s Search Terms List

15 views– “Are beautiful people stupid?” or some iteration thereof

I know where this came from, but that doesn’t make it sound any less bitter. (Beautiful people are totally stupid, though. We’re all right.)

10 views– “Model jepang sexi”

I have no idea what it means, or what part of my blog relates to it.  I tried to Google it on my own and a lot of information about sexy Japanese models came up. I’ve written about sex appeal, modeling, and Godzilla before, but the search term is clearly “model jepang sexi” and I can’t recall a single post about that (those?). I’m befuddled by the fact that 10 people typed that into a search engine and all of them found my blog when I couldn’t find a link to it on the one whole results page I kind of skimmed.

3 views– “Really fat fish”

I like that obese fish are bringing people here.

3 views– “Tesla without a mustache”

There is no such thing.

Tesla was born with a mustache.

3 views– “What your birthday says about you in bed”

I’m not sure what your birthday says about you in bed, but I’ll venture a guess if you’d like. Quick, look down there! A sub-list!

What Your Birthday Says About You in Bed

Jan. 1- Mar. 31: You’ve found cracker crumbs in your blankets before.

Apr. 1- June 30: You can’t fold a fitted sheet very well.

 Jul. 1- Sept. 30: You’re a cover hog.

Oct. 1- Dec. 31: You talk in your sleep.

Sub-list over. Back to the main list.

3 views– “Sclerotinia”

I don’t know what that is and I’m afraid to Google it. Please say it’s infectious optimism brought on by lists or something.

2 views– “What to wear to my 21st birthday dinner. I am tall.”

To my two tall, 21-year-old readers, happy belated birthday! I hope you both wore something you don’t mind throwing up on. Also, are you twins? If you’re not, and it seems unlikely, then I have to assume my data is a little skewed.

2 views– “Female blood face punch”

I guess some of my readers are kind of violent.

2 views– “Ponytail rain boots”

Aw, other readers are really cute. I can see Zooey Deschanel rocking the ponytail/rain boots look. So gosh darn–

2 views– “Pictures of pigs getting punched”

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

We’re pro-pig around these parts.

2 views– “Cats with boobs”

I understand this one is completely my fault, but COME ON.

2 views– “Urgupulu pronunciation”

I can’t help you, but I do have a fun game you can play!

2 views– “So I stepped on glass…”

I like the ellipsis in this the best. It’s like there’s more to the story but it’s so embarrassing they don’t even want Google to know.

2 views– “One day you will be my girlfriend in a card”

What… what does this mean?

2 views — “Can getting punched cause brain lose?”

Evidently so. Also, what’s with all the punching? Is it me? Do I write about punching a lot?

2 views– “Don’t like the pineapple shape haircut from haircutter”

Guys. This means there are two people walking around out there with pineapple-shaped hair. Also, there may be at least one haircutter in this world going around giving people pineapple-shaped haircuts. If “pictures of pigs getting punched” shattered my soul, the idea of people with pineapple-shaped hair has restored it completely.

2 views– “Find me a picture of a small plate”

Here you go.

2 views– “Tootsie Pop spiders”

Please say that’s not a thing.

1 view– “Heimlich maneuver to make woman stop crying”

Let me know if that works. I’m always looking for new awkward ways to comfort people.

1 view– “How to operate on yourself”

I don’t know how you got here, but I have no medical expertise beyond being able to tell what size Band-Aid I’ll need. Do not operate on yourself! They don’t make Band-Aids that big!

1 view– “How to turn yourself into a horse”

I- I don’t really… You see… You can’t actually…

Oh heavens. Who am I to stop you? Best of luck.

1 view– “How to make my hair look like Cody in the more in the sweet life on deak that has curly hare that has brown hare of videos”

1 view– “Why when you fall asleep on your school bus nobody that gets off at the same stop wakes you?”

I like to imagine that both of these came from the same kid, who just wants a cool hairdo and for his neighbors to wake him up next time he falls asleep on the bus. I hope he’s not still on the bus, riding around under a pineapple-shaped haircut and wondering why no one will help him. Get off the bus, kid! Have some sclerotinia! We’re all going to be ok.

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27 comments

  1. Idigina

    Sclerotinia is a fungus that (mainly) attacks plants.

    About 99% of search terms on my blog somehow involve Casablanca. Either everyone on the internet googles Casablanca at one point or another, or I am the only person to write about it on the internet, ever.

  2. Joe L.

    Absolutely hilarious. I like to think that this post might even position you for a part two in the future! (something like: “is Zooey Deschanel coming to my pig’s birthday party?”)

  3. musingsoftheamusingmuse

    Your search terms are as exciting as mine! There are days I scroll through the list and think “Really? WHO would search for that?!” But obviously, someone has… Google and WordPress tell me so…

  4. mamagirlsaysitall

    OMG! I just started up my blog and hadn’t decided yet whether or not I really wanted to go as public as checking the “turn on search engines” box. I totally have to go check that box now, just so I can see what kind of weird stuff might bring people to my blog! LOL!

  5. Go Jules Go

    Ha! I’m so glad you finally let down the curtain on your search terms! These are fantastic. I’m especially fond of, “One day you will be my girlfriend in a card.” And by fond I mean it totally creeps me out, but I guess I like that.

    I haven’t posted about my search terms yet, but I hoard them for these occasions. Here’s a recent fav: “me have right to polygamy.”

  6. Kera - Dreadnaught Darling

    Okay, so I laughed so hard I cried. It was the kind of snort-laugh-choke-wheeze noise… that makes you glad you live alone. Mainly because when something makes you laugh that hard that there is tears, choking and snorting… you couldn’t possibly remain attractive. Regardless, as a fellow blogger… it is nice to know that there is someone else going “WTF” at the search referrals to their site.

  7. beck16

    This is absolutely hilarious!!! I want to start writing just to see the search terms that bring people to my blog!
    I’m a little iffy about the birthday list because all of the above applies to me. Is that wrong? What does that mean?

  8. Michael J. Champlin (@mjchamplin)

    This made me laugh so hard I have tears in my eyes. Ever inspired, I checked my own list…and it’s boring. With the possible exception of “things in the middle of roads” (2) and “my delicious heart cereal breakfast” (1, because it’s statistically impossible that two people ever had that thought before) and the far less humorous “strong cohesive color combinations in graphic design” (look! I’m informative!) and my personal favorite “what does utopia sound like” — for the record, I have no idea.

  9. Jorie

    Hahaha, the search engine feature is not-so-secretly my favorite part of the WordPress stats page too. I recently had a few visitors who typed in: “Why were prehistoric insects so big?” (you got me…) and “Chris Farley Swayze Depression.” Almost like a madlibs game.

  10. corlosky

    So… I’ve let my inbox go lately (as in 121 unread emails….) and in sorting through it finally, I came across this post from my email subscription. I was crying so hard from laughing. I really appreciate the humorous tears you put in my eyes today. Thanks a ton!

    I might just have to look more carefully at the search term box from now on…

  11. Dian Wijayanti

    LOL! The “Model Jepang Sexi” is, I believe, an Indonesian language, “Jepang” being “Japan” or “Japanese.” I’m surprised and puzzled how a Google search in Bahasa Indonesia could lead to your blog, really, but perhaps some things are better to be left unknown, aye?

  12. Pingback: Not All Who Wander Are Lost, Or Are They? | Dreadnaught Darling
  13. sarahnsh

    I love the cats with boobs search engine, that’s great!
    I’m scared to look at my search engine results… I know a lot of people are brought to my page by my “Pin the sperm on the egg” post which is actually a baby shower game. I know many weirdos can take one or two of these words and be searching for something very… odd.

  14. shortcutting

    Ahahahaha this made me laugh so much! Love it! The most unusual search engine term ever used to find my blog is ‘sarcasm is my utmost favorite hobby.’ which is really rather tame. I think I need to start blogging about more interesting things… Great post!

  15. lilybunny5

    WARNING!
    Do not read this blog entry while in class. It is nearly impossible to contain your laughter.
    possible side effects include, but are not limited to
    – awkward pressing of lips to hide smile
    – slight giggles
    – strange looks from class mates around you
    – suspicion of teacher
    – paranoya of reader
    – distraction from learning in class
    – questioning all the things you google and how they show up on other people’s blogs

  16. kindasketchie

    Strangely, until I read this, the only search terms coming up on my post were pretty ordinary. And then all of a sudden, this started to happen:

    “devilish godmother picture”
    “loser with allergies”
    “kendal calling drugs”
    “can’t bear john humphry’s”
    “annoying pasta shapes”

    Thanks for the giggles!

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