I don’t pretend to know how WordPress works. I just type things and people read them, then WordPress sends me an email at the end of the year with fireworks in it. Now you know why I’ve never written a post on how to blog.
What I do know is that the stats page is pretty much the greatest thing ever. I love me some quantifiable data. And maps. And tiny flag icons. LOVE ‘EM. But the best part by far is the “Search Engine Terms” box. I don’t know how many of you non-Wordpress users knew this, but I can totally see the search engine terms that bring you to my blog. Boy, should you be ashamed.
It’s also kind of embarrassing for me. I shouldn’t make fun of people for using weird search terms to find me because my weird posts brought them here. I shouldn’t… but I do anyway.
Highlights from Listful Thinking’s Search Terms List
15 views– “Are beautiful people stupid?” or some iteration thereof
I know where this came from, but that doesn’t make it sound any less bitter. (Beautiful people are totally stupid, though. We’re all right.)
10 views– “Model jepang sexi”
I have no idea what it means, or what part of my blog relates to it. I tried to Google it on my own and a lot of information about sexy Japanese models came up. I’ve written about sex appeal, modeling, and Godzilla before, but the search term is clearly “model jepang sexi” and I can’t recall a single post about that (those?). I’m befuddled by the fact that 10 people typed that into a search engine and all of them found my blog when I couldn’t find a link to it on the one whole results page I kind of skimmed.
3 views– “Really fat fish”
I like that obese fish are bringing people here.
3 views– “Tesla without a mustache”
There is no such thing.
3 views– “What your birthday says about you in bed”
I’m not sure what your birthday says about you in bed, but I’ll venture a guess if you’d like. Quick, look down there! A sub-list!
What Your Birthday Says About You in Bed
Jan. 1- Mar. 31: You’ve found cracker crumbs in your blankets before.
Apr. 1- June 30: You can’t fold a fitted sheet very well.
Jul. 1- Sept. 30: You’re a cover hog.
Oct. 1- Dec. 31: You talk in your sleep.
Sub-list over. Back to the main list.
3 views– “Sclerotinia”
I don’t know what that is and I’m afraid to Google it. Please say it’s infectious optimism brought on by lists or something.
2 views– “What to wear to my 21st birthday dinner. I am tall.”
To my two tall, 21-year-old readers, happy belated birthday! I hope you both wore something you don’t mind throwing up on. Also, are you twins? If you’re not, and it seems unlikely, then I have to assume my data is a little skewed.
2 views– “Female blood face punch”
I guess some of my readers are kind of violent.
2 views– “Ponytail rain boots”
Aw, other readers are really cute. I can see Zooey Deschanel rocking the ponytail/rain boots look. So gosh darn–
2 views– “Pictures of pigs getting punched”
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?
2 views– “Cats with boobs”
I understand this one is completely my fault, but COME ON.
2 views– “Urgupulu pronunciation”
I can’t help you, but I do have a fun game you can play!
2 views– “So I stepped on glass…”
I like the ellipsis in this the best. It’s like there’s more to the story but it’s so embarrassing they don’t even want Google to know.
2 views– “One day you will be my girlfriend in a card”
What… what does this mean?
2 views — “Can getting punched cause brain lose?”
Evidently so. Also, what’s with all the punching? Is it me? Do I write about punching a lot?
2 views– “Don’t like the pineapple shape haircut from haircutter”
Guys. This means there are two people walking around out there with pineapple-shaped hair. Also, there may be at least one haircutter in this world going around giving people pineapple-shaped haircuts. If “pictures of pigs getting punched” shattered my soul, the idea of people with pineapple-shaped hair has restored it completely.
2 views– “Find me a picture of a small plate”
2 views– “Tootsie Pop spiders”
Please say that’s not a thing.
1 view– “Heimlich maneuver to make woman stop crying”
Let me know if that works. I’m always looking for new awkward ways to comfort people.
1 view– “How to operate on yourself”
I don’t know how you got here, but I have no medical expertise beyond being able to tell what size Band-Aid I’ll need. Do not operate on yourself! They don’t make Band-Aids that big!
1 view– “How to turn yourself into a horse”
I- I don’t really… You see… You can’t actually…
Oh heavens. Who am I to stop you? Best of luck.
1 view– “How to make my hair look like Cody in the more in the sweet life on deak that has curly hare that has brown hare of videos”
1 view– “Why when you fall asleep on your school bus nobody that gets off at the same stop wakes you?”
I like to imagine that both of these came from the same kid, who just wants a cool hairdo and for his neighbors to wake him up next time he falls asleep on the bus. I hope he’s not still on the bus, riding around under a pineapple-shaped haircut and wondering why no one will help him. Get off the bus, kid! Have some sclerotinia! We’re all going to be ok.