In the office where I intern, it’s not unusual for someone to turn on the TV and let Fox News play quietly all day. I don’t pay much attention to it, but about twice an hour they play a commercial I cannot stop watching.
The ad features a man riding a horse around his giant estate, talking about how awesome it is that he earned his land and money and now he has a lot of gold. So much gold. He says things like, “Don’t you love the FEEL of gold?” and “Gold!” and “Isn’t being rich and touching all your gold the best? I gold-plated my wife!” (I might have made one of those up, but you get the idea.)
I’m completely fascinated by this commercial because my life could not be more different. I leave my unpaid internship and scrounge around the bottom of my purse to find enough loose change to buy ramen for dinner. I’ve saved enough that I’ll be ok for a little while, but until I get a job, the next few months are going to be pretty tight. I certainly won’t be making commercials about how fabulous all my gold feels when I rub it on my face.
I’ve been applying for part-time jobs for a couple of months now, but I hit some snags because my availability is crummy at best. There’s really only one solution: If businesses can’t hire me because of my schedule, I’ll have to start one of my own. All I need to do is find a niche and fill it, right?
Assets I Currently Possess
– I’m really good at sitting!
– I’m better than anyone I know at eating!
– I like going to bars!
– I have excellent hygiene!
– I’m pretty good at carrying things as long as they weigh less than me!
– I’m extremely awkward. In a fun way!
– I have this here blog!
– I can do a variety* of celebrity impressions!
– I’m not afraid of dumpsters!
– I know where the nearest costume shop/lingerie store is located!
*I can do exactly two celebrity impressions
Possible Entrepreneurial Opportunities for a Bright Young Woman Such as Myself
Street Performer: My city would benefit from some street performance art, and I have the perfect act. “Stephanie: Incredible Conjuror of Awkward Moments!” I’ll set up a sign and a hat, sit on the sidewalk, and wait for people to approach me. Then I’ll do what I do best, which is putting my foot solidly in my mouth and making situations uncomfortable. I’m a natural! If I can find an outfit, I may also dress up like characters from pop culture and offer to take pictures with people on the street. Unfortunately, since the only local costume shop I know of is also a lingerie boutique, the characters might be slightly risque. Maybe that’s better!
Bellhop or Bathroom Attendant: I’ll hang around hotel lobbies and offer to take people’s bags to their rooms. When I’ve carried their suitcases in, I’ll stand stiffly in a corner with my hand out for a tip. I’ll probably have to spend my initial profits investing in a uniform and maybe a cart, and fancy gloves at the very least, but it’s worth it. Alternately, I could stand in any restroom with a towel, some mints, and a lint roller or something, and then I’ll dry people’s hands for them, offer them mints, and clean their shirts for tips. There’s no establishment, including gas stations and Wal-Marts, in which I won’t dry hands! These both have an element of danger– I could be thrown out by angry management– but I like to live on the edge.
Human Ad Space: I am more than willing to create an ad for a business, draw it in Sharpie on an old T-shirt, and wear that T-shirt in a public place for an allotted number of hours. Please note: I won’t do anything cool while wearing your ad. I’ll probably sit around and read a book or something. Don’t get your hopes up.
Wingwoman: I’ll go with you to a bar and talk you up to other women. I’ll laugh really hard at your terrible jokes and say things like, “Man, it’s too bad we’re just friends because you’re the best ever! Any woman in this bar would be LUCKY to take you home!” I don’t know if it will work, but we might as well give it a whirl. You have to buy all the drinks, of course, and try not to be creepy. It definitely won’t work if you’re creepy.
Blog Product Placement: Look! It seems super easy: “I’m sitting here drinking a Coke, thinking about all the reasons it’s a great beverage. Please read this HILARIOUS list based on Coca-Cola!” Ta-da! Product placement. New media. Innovation. America. Other words that make you want to give me money.
Food Delivery Service: You know what’s inconvenient about food? How you have to get dressed, drive to a restaurant, wait, and talk to a human being before you can eat. That stuff is the worst. But now you can place your order from home! I’ll drive to your favorite take-out place, pick up your food, and bring it straight to you. You don’t even have to put on pants! (But I’d like it if you did anyway.)
Wake-Up Calls: I’ll call you in the early morning to make sure you wake up! And since I can perform TWO WHOLE IMPRESSIONS, you could get an early morning phone call from either Mickey Mouse or Sarah Palin for only a dollar more. How’s that for the best part of waking up?
Dumpster Diver: Did you lose something in the trash? Are you too cheap to buy stuff, but not too cheap to pay someone else to hop in a dumpster for you? I’m your girl. I will jump in almost any dumpster, as long as you give me a boost up there and agree to call the police if I find a body because I’ll be busy screaming.
Oh man. I have to go make 10 ads on Craigslist.