The following is an actual list I actually wrote while waiting for an actual date a few months ago. I like to think the nervous sweat I was completely drenched in while writing this was totally endearing and not at all smelly.
Before the First Date
1) Don’t die.
2) Don’t make that weird spitting noise when you laugh. You know the one. Just… never close your mouth when you’re laughing. No wait, do. Wait. Don’t laugh at all. No wait, do.
3) Maybe don’t nervous laugh every second.
4) Don’t get food in your teeth. Or on your teeth. Or around your teeth.
5) Does your breath smell like ranch dressing?! Does it?!
6) Be decisive…?
7) Try not to do that thing where it looks like your muscles have suddenly deteriorated, if possible.
8) Your bangs go in front of your forehead vein EVERY TIME.
9) Quit making Mormon jokes. Quit it. Maybe he’s Mormon. Don’t ask him about his underwear, Stephanie. You are the worst. YOU ARE THE WORST.
10) Be yourself!
11) What does “be yourself” even mean?
12) Figure out what that means.
13) Please God, say there’s no bicycling involved.
14) Don’t… glorify war, I guess? Or genocides. Or euthanasia. Don’t espouse any causes. (Unless someone is kicking a puppy or punching their wife or something. Being opposed to that is ok.) (Except don’t get punched.)
15) Seriously. Don’t get punched.
16) Maybe you should just make lists the whole time. It’s therapeutic. Lists are like rosary beads. “One, don’t die. Two, don’t laugh. Three, don’t nervous laugh.” Oh man, wouldn’t it be funny if you spent the whole date listing things under your breath? NO. THAT WOULD NOT BE FUNNY.
17) Figure out what humor is, because clearly you have no idea.
18) Don’t say how long it’s been since you last went on a date. Don’t say it in years, don’t say it in months, and definitely don’t say it in days or hours.
19) Stop trying to figure out how many minutes it’s been since your last date. It’s been like a million, ok? Maybe like 80 million.
20) TANGENT: Is that guy over there a European businessman? Why is he here? Is his accent fake? Why is he wearing sunglasses indoors? He’s probably a total tool, isn’t he? Look at his friend. Pfft. Tools.
21) Don’t look over things, on account of your crazy neck. Look beside them. Look around them. Don’t look over them.
22) Try not to squeak?
23) TANGENT: The business man is not European but is definitely an incredible tool. I feel like I should design a superhero costume and become a masked vigilante against tool bags.
24) Don’t tell anyone that idea. Ever.
25) Because then everyone would know your secret identity!
26) And also because it’s stupid.
27) Putting your Wookie ringtone on silent might not be a bad idea.
28) TANGENT: What is happening on your friend’s face, fake-European businessman? There’s not enough of it to be facial hair, so I’m forced to call it a growth. Hey, man, your beard is growth. Buh-dum chh
29) Maybe hold off on the puns.
30) DON’T. DIE.