There’s nothing worse than pink and purple heart decorations and things covered with glitter. Paying obscene amounts of money for fancy underwear and overpriced restaurants is stupid. I hate flowers and I think conversation hearts are gross, but I’m going to come right out and say it:
I like Valentine’s Day.
I really do. Every other day of the year it’s uncool to tell the people you appreciate, even platonically, how much you like them. Try telling someone you think they’re awesome on Arbor Day– it won’t go over well. Confess your undying love on Rosh Hashanah and you’ll see what I mean. People are weird and standoffish every other day of the year, but on Valentine’s Day it’s totally cool to walk up to your friends and family members and say, “Hey, here’s some candy that tastes like chalk! Please don’t take the flavor personally, because it means I like you. Isn’t that cool?!”
Unfortunately, unlike Earth Day or President’s Day, Valentine’s Day can be a little hard to navigate. Don’t you worry your pretty little head. I’ve got your back.
Possible Methods for Asking that Super Interesting Person with the Cool Hair on a Date:
1) Hide behind a corner and jump out at them when they walk by, roaring something like “DATE ME!” as loud as you possibly can. It’s endearing, and you get to see how they react in life-or-death situations. You also might be able to see how hard they can punch.
2) Rent space on a billboard and write something like, “Dear Super Interesting Person with the Cool Hair [You should probably use their name, actually], Dinner? Sincerely, Another Interesting Person with OK Hair [That’s where your name goes].” Put your phone number beneath it. The best part of this plan is that you’ll probably get A LOT of blind dates even if that particular date doesn’t work out. Sure, some of them may try to rob and kill you, but they could also be your soul mate. Your thieving, murderous soul mate.
3) Make a sign and stand outside the Super Interesting Person with the Cool Hair’s window with it. It’s very important to try to do this at the least-scary time possible. For example, a good time would be when they’re starring in a movie and staring wistfully out a window. A bad time would be in the night, after you’ve been breathing heavily on the glass for some time.
4) Maybe, and this is entirely theoretical, if the Super Interesting Person with the Cool Hair works in a bookstore, you could go in and be all, “I’m just casually looking at this book… but since you’re here, would you like to go out?” Sometimes this strategy works, but it may cause you to lose all muscle control so that you repeatedly slam the book into a shelf when you’re trying to put it back. You also might start shaking a lot trying to put their number in your phone. If you have a forehead vein that appears when you’re embarrassed, it will be horribly, horribly apparent even if your bangs normally hide it. I know this sounds very specific, but again, it’s completely theoretical and is in no way something I did. (I did that. Luckily, he was cool about it.)
Possible Ways to Get that Super Interesting Person with the Cool Hair to Kiss You:
1) Shame them into it: “There’s something on your lip, so I think I should probably lick it off before anyone sees and makes fun of you.”
2) Creep them out: “Are you chewing gum right now? What flavor is it? I’ve never tried that kind before! No, I don’t need my own piece. We can share.”
3) Guilt them into it: “My brother’s getting part of his toe amputated today, and I’m… I’m just really upset about it. I’d probably feel better if we made out!”
4) Science them into it: “Wanna help me with a science experiment? I can’t tell you what it is because it will skew the results. You just sit really still for five seconds… Uh oh. Looks like further experimentation is required.”
4) Hemingway them into it: “Your face. My face. Let’s do this.”
Possible Gifts for that Super Interesting Person with the Cool Hair:
1) Puppies! People love puppies!
2) Potatoes. No, really.
3) …I don’t know. I’m not the one dating them. Do I have to do everything around here?
Possible Ways to Get over that Super Interesting Person with the Cool Hair Because They Already Have a Date:
1) Get another, more interesting date with even cooler hair. Forget about the first person. Their hair wasn’t cool enough for you and you know it.
2) Realize that Valentine’s Day is a silly holiday. Everyone knows Columbus Day dates are much more romantic, which means you have nothing to worry about until October.