More than once in high school, my mom woke up with the solution to a tricky algebra problem she’d been helping me with the night before. Somehow, while she was asleep, her brain was using FOIL and solving proofs and she’d wake up with the whole thing solved. It’s an incredibly handy talent for a kid who’s stressing out about her pre-calc class the next morning, but so far it doesn’t seem to be genetic.
This morning, however, I woke up with a Halloween-themed song in my head. For a second, I hoped I was a regular Paul McCartney, who woke up one morning with the tune to “Yesterday” fully realized. After singing it a couple times, though, I realized it already existed — all I’d done was change the lyrics, and they weren’t even that good. If my mom is a slightly-less-than-lucid Euclid in her sleep, I’m like a fifth-rate Weird Al-wannabe.
Anyway, this is the song I was singing on my way to decorate my building for Halloween this morning:
(Here’s the background music. Please excuse the jingle bells.)
It’s my most judgmental time of the year.
Your costume’s exploding
your boobs are both showing,
it’s why people leer!
It’s my most judgmental time of the year!
While it’s not a particularly good song, it made me realize that I’m sort of a prude at Halloween. I like to think I’m open-minded, but when one girl walked by wearing caution tape (and ONLY caution tape), I stopped being a thoughtful person and started being a bitter old lady about this holiday. You have the right to wear whatever you want, and that’s cool, but when you’re wearing a thin strip of plastic and it’s 34 degrees outside, I will happily stick up my nose and passive-aggressively bring up hypothermia.
After a Sexy Baby (A SEXY BABY COSTUME. Purchasing that should get you put on some kind of sex offender watch list.) walked past me, I started to wonder if there was anything safe from sexualization on Halloween.
I started Googling costumes that couldn’t possibly be sexy, like IT professionals and foods. Then I started Googling the phrase “sexy [insert random noun here] costume”. The results were astonishing.
(Yes, I did spend Halloween weekend Googling and judging, instead of going to parties or making friends. And you know what? I would do it again.)
The Horror, The Horror: Costumes That Actually Exist
– Sexy lumberjack. Lumberjacks are brawny, and ladies love manly men- just look at the front of any romance novel. This particular lumberjack, however, is not wearing any pants, which doesn’t seem safe. Her male counterpart’s outfit– which is called “Lumberjack Wood Pecker” is described as “fun and practical”. You take a look at the practicality of it. I’ll be right here, making disapproving sniffing noises.
– Sexy Brian from ‘Family Guy’. Someone decided the world needed this, another person okayed it, and someone else paid for it to be made. Good luck sleeping tonight, weeping over the future.
– Sexy Chucky, Sexy Freddie Krueger, and Sexy Leatherface. Because nothing says “take me home” like pretending to be a demonic ginger doll, a child-murdering burn victim, or the breadwinner of a cannibal family.
– Sexy lamp. As soon as I typed this into Google, I thought of the lamp from A Christmas Story. Lo and behold, you can dress as that very same lamp. The only drawback is that YOU’RE DRESSED AS A LAMP.
– Sexy bed. I thought, “Who would go as a piece of furniture? It’s too crazy!” I thought wrong.
– Sexy hotdog. …Yum?
– Sexy beer pong… something. Is she a cup? Is she a player? Is she a bacterial infection you picked up while playing? What is she?
A Ray of Hope: Sexy Costumes That Do Not Exist (Yet)
– Sexy Madeleine Albright
– Sexy Feet (I did find a men’s foot costume on a lingerie site, so if you’re a foot fetishist maybe that’s hot.)
– Sexy garbage woman (There are sexy gardeners and sexy waitresses, so I suppose it’s only a matter of time before we cover every profession.)
– Sexy Jar Jar Binks
– Sexy gerbils (There IS, however, an “MC Hamster” costume available on eBay. Guess what? It’s sexy.)