Because I’m a grownup, whenever I’m bored in class or during meetings I distract myself with two different games. The first game is called “Who’s Holding In a Fart?”, and it’s pretty self-explanatory. The second game is called “What Would You Look Like If You Were a Muppet?”
I love the Muppets. If I ever tell you you’d make a great Muppet, don’t be offended. It just means I want to have zany shenanigans with you all the time. Everyone has some Muppet qualities, but some people are so Muppet-like that I want to march them down to the Muppet Workshop and volunteer them as models. Craig is one of those people. It might be his eyebrows, or maybe it’s his hand gestures. Whatever it is, Craig would be a fabulous Muppet.
Craig is one of my supervisors. He spent a lot of last year putting his hand supportively on my shoulder and saying, “Stephanie, if you ever need to talk…”
Personals- Women Seeking Women
I never took him up on his offer for two reasons:
a) I’m Mr. Spock when it comes to talking about feelings
b) I was 99% sure Craig thought I was looking for help coming out as a lesbian. It’s not the first time that’s happened.
We’re finally on the same page–I’m not gay, I just really like Converse shoes– but now I pretend to look angst-ridden around him a lot just so he knows he’s not out of the we’re-having-a-serious-conversation woods yet.
Craig spent Saturday morning advising a campus group that was putting on a massive program involving oatmeal, a slip n’ slide, and a lot of blue jello. I was there too, having volunteered to peel a lot of bananas to be used in a relay race. (It was a weird day.) Unfortunately, things were getting off to a slow start, so Craig sat down with me to ask if I needed to talk. This time, I had a lot of things I needed his advice about.
– Do you wear contacts? No? Do you know how one wears contacts?
– I made friends with a stripper, Craig. What do you think about that?
– If I use a fake Wisconsin accent around you, will you be offended as a Wisconsin native?
– I have this weird bump on my head. Should I get that checked out?
– Have I told you lately you’d be a fantastic Muppet?
– Why aren’t you taking these questions seriously?
– I have so many issues with Glee. So many. And you love it. Why? Why?!
– Should I go to law school?
– Do you like my shoes? I stepped on a banana earlier. It was less hilarious than in cartoons.
– Seriously, what am I going to do with myself after graduation, Craigory?
– Can I call you Craigory?
Somewhere in the middle of all that, Craig zeroed in on the thing that was bothering me the most. (It was Glee. I have a lot of inexplicable anger towards that show.)
Once we analyzed that and he’d defended it like a champ, he found the other thing that was bothering me. I don’t know what I’m doing after graduation in May, and since I’m not really a “go with the flow” kind of person, it’s freaking me out. I’ve spent 21 years glaring at people who asked me what I want to be when I grow up because I don’t have any idea at all. My favorite things in life are eating cookies and alphabetizing things, for God’s sake. (See? I’d fit right in on Sesame Street.)
My friends’ solutions aren’t helping me, either. I was standing in line outside a bar about a month ago with three friends, discussing the future. It was bizarre to see the range of ideas.
– Friend #1: “I want to change the world with my writing.” I don’t want to change the world. I like the world. The only thing I ask of it is that it avoid large asteroids for the next 65-70 years.
– Friend #2: “I just want to be average.” I don’t want to be average, either. I don’t know what average means in terms of life, but my mom always told me the kids who get average grades are the ones who work at McDonald’s, and I don’t want to work at McDonald’s. I’d never be able to eat there again if I knew how the food was made.
– Friend #3: “I’d love a job, but mostly I want to get married and have kids. How about you, Stephanie?” My inner feminist is befuddled by this response, and I have a list of over 200 reasons detailing why I would be a terrible parent, so I can’t go this route.
– Me: “…I don’t know?”
Craig is the first non-family member who sat there and considered the things I’ve shown interest in and tried to help me. It was kind of awesome, and considerably more helpful than the book I’m currently reading, called Should You Really Be A Lawyer?, which pretty much suggests right off the bat that you probably shouldn’t. Some people should, but not you, Stephanie. Definitely not you.
He made me realize there were some things I hadn’t considered during this three month panic attack/existential meltdown. I didn’t think about what I actually like to do.
– I forgot that I really like information. You may have guessed that from extensively researched posts about things that could kill you.
– I really like YOU, internet! I would hang out with you all day if you asked me. You’re full of double rainbows, and kittens, and also some stuff I never, ever want to see. But I love you anyway.
– I love alphabetizing. To an extreme level.
I thought about those things, and wondered what job could possibly combine all those things, and then it hit me. I think I’m going to go to library school.
And I’m fully prepared for the cat lady jokes because I made them all first.