Craig’s List

Because I’m a grownup, whenever I’m bored in class or during meetings I distract myself with two different games. The first game is called “Who’s Holding In a Fart?”, and it’s pretty self-explanatory. The second game is called “What Would You Look Like If You Were a Muppet?”

I love the Muppets. If I ever tell you you’d make a great Muppet, don’t be offended. It just means I want to have zany shenanigans with you all the time. Everyone has some Muppet qualities, but some people are so Muppet-like that I want to march them down to the Muppet Workshop and volunteer them as models. Craig is one of those people. It might be his eyebrows, or maybe it’s his hand gestures. Whatever it is, Craig would be a fabulous Muppet.

This is a picture of Craig feeling especially patriotic.

Craig is one of my supervisors. He spent a lot of last year putting his hand supportively on my shoulder and saying, “Stephanie, if you ever need to talk…”

Personals- Women Seeking Women

I never took him up on his offer for two reasons:

a) I’m Mr. Spock when it comes to talking about feelings

b) I was 99% sure Craig thought I was looking for help coming out as a lesbian. It’s not the first time that’s happened. 

We’re finally on the same page–I’m not gay, I just really like Converse shoes– but now I pretend to look angst-ridden around him a lot just so he knows he’s not out of the we’re-having-a-serious-conversation woods yet.

Craig spent Saturday morning advising a campus group that was putting on a massive program involving oatmeal, a slip n’ slide, and a lot of blue jello. I was there too, having volunteered to peel a lot of bananas to be used in a relay race. (It was a weird day.) Unfortunately, things were getting off to a slow start, so Craig sat down with me to ask if I needed to talk. This time, I had a lot of things I needed his advice about.

Discussion Forum

– Do you wear contacts? No? Do you know how one wears contacts?

– I made friends with a stripper, Craig. What do you think about that?

– If I use a fake Wisconsin accent around you, will you be offended as a Wisconsin native?

– I have this weird bump on my head. Should I get that checked out?

– Have I told you lately you’d be a fantastic Muppet?

– Why aren’t you taking these questions seriously?

– I have so many issues with Glee. So many. And you love it. Why? Why?!

– Should I go to law school?

– Do you like my shoes? I stepped on a banana earlier. It was less hilarious than in cartoons.

– Seriously, what am I going to do with myself after graduation, Craigory?

– Can I call you Craigory?

Somewhere in the middle of all that, Craig zeroed in on the thing that was bothering me the most. (It was Glee. I have a lot of inexplicable anger towards that show.)

Logo of the TV series Glee.

Coming Soon: “The Top 10 Ways ‘Glee’ is Slowly Killing Me”

Once we analyzed that and he’d defended it like a champ, he found the other thing that was bothering me. I don’t know what I’m doing after graduation in May, and since I’m not really a “go with the flow” kind of person, it’s freaking me out. I’ve spent 21 years glaring at people who asked me what I want to be when I grow up because I don’t have any idea at all. My favorite things in life are eating cookies and alphabetizing things, for God’s sake. (See? I’d fit right in on Sesame Street.)

My friends’ solutions aren’t helping me, either. I was standing in line outside a bar about a month ago with three friends, discussing the future. It was bizarre to see the range of ideas.

Community

– Friend #1: “I want to change the world with my writing.” I don’t want to change the world. I like the world. The only thing I ask of it is that it avoid large asteroids for the next 65-70 years.

– Friend #2: “I just want to be average.” I don’t want to be average, either. I don’t know what average means in terms of life, but my mom always told me the kids who get average grades are the ones who work at McDonald’s, and I don’t want to work at McDonald’s. I’d never be able to eat there again if I knew how the food was made.

– Friend #3: “I’d love a job, but mostly I want to get married and have kids. How about you, Stephanie?” My inner feminist is befuddled by this response, and I have a list of over 200 reasons detailing why I would be a terrible parent, so I can’t go this route.

– Me: “…I don’t know?”

Craig is the first non-family member who sat there and considered the things I’ve shown interest in and tried to help me. It was kind of awesome, and considerably more helpful than the book I’m currently reading, called Should You Really Be A Lawyer?, which pretty much suggests right off the bat that you probably shouldn’t. Some people should, but not you, Stephanie. Definitely not you.

He made me realize there were some things I hadn’t considered during this three month panic attack/existential meltdown. I didn’t think about what I actually like to do.

Missed Connections

– I forgot that I really like information. You may have guessed that from extensively researched posts about things that could kill you.

– I really like YOU, internet! I would hang out with you all day if you asked me. You’re full of double rainbows, and kittens, and also some stuff I never, ever want to see. But I love you anyway.

– I love alphabetizing. To an extreme level.

I thought about those things, and wondered what job could possibly combine all those things, and then it hit me. I think I’m going to go to library school.

And I’m fully prepared for the  cat lady jokes because I made them all first.

(P.S.: You can make your own Muppets online. And there’s an incredibly extensive Muppet Wiki! And the Muppets watch Glee, too! Because the internet is a magical place!)

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17 comments

  1. Idigina

    True story:
    I had read your post about halfway when you mentioned you didn’t know what to do and my first thought was librarian.

    Then again, that’s always my first thought, so that might not count.

    • Stephanie

      Ha. Where have you been for the last four years? Every time I freaked out about the future, you could have been shaking my shoulders and repeating the word “librarian” to me until I calmed down.
      Then again, my parents have doing that this whole time. I’m a bad listener. :(

    • Stephanie

      Ha. I loved this. I hadn’t thought about it, but now that I’ve read your post, I sit quietly in class and glare at loud people and think, “Shh. Shhhh. SHHHHHHHH.” It’s not making me a lot of friends, but at least I’m having fun.

  2. Marissa

    As a girl who went to law school because she was freaking out after graduation and didn’t know what else to do with her life… I have to recommend that you do not go that route unless you truly have a passion for the law. It’s a little tough to switch gears once you head down the lawyer path. I’m still trying to figure out how I got here in the first place. Librarian school sounds awesome. Run with that!

    • Stephanie

      This comment makes me feel so much better. I keep thinking about law school, and then thinking “maybe I should…. maybe I shouldn’t… I don’t know!” You saying that made my last doubt disappear.

  3. ThisIsMyCleverAlias

    Librarian’s actually make surprisingly decent scratch. And all girl’s look cute in glasses. It’s a win, win.

    • Stephanie

      That was actually what made my mind up. “Where can I wear my glasses and not look like a nerd? Oh! The library!” Just kidding. I’ll still look like a nerd.

  4. gojulesgo

    Oh no, Stephanie! We agreed to disagree on Leonardo DiCaprio, but now Glee?? You’re lucky you’re so g.d. funny. ;) Actually, I’m dying to know (pun intended) why it’s killing you slowly. I’m sure you have your reasons.

    • Stephanie

      Agh! You like Glee, too?! There’s gotta be some common ground here somewhere, but I’m not compromising on that show or Leo. I’d write a list on the reasons Glee makes me want to die a little, but people get really defensive about it and I’m not that brave.

  5. Sarita

    Love your Blog! A. I’m with you on the Glee thing, I seem to get an allergic reaction when the promo adverts come on and I don’t mute it in time. It starts with that same goosepimply feeling you get when nails hit a chalkboard. B. My Muppet doppelganger would definitely be miss piggy! C. Did you know in Australian airports they sell a book called see Australia and Die. I’ve almost added a page to that book. Keep up the witty writing!

    • Stephanie

      See Australia and Die seems like the worst tourism strategy out there, but I’m intrigued now. I once had an Australian custodian, and when I told him about my fears regarding his country, he pointed out that we have bears and mountain lions here and they can kill you, too. It was a good point, but I’m still way more freaked out by box jellyfish and platypus spurs.

  6. Michelle

    Oh Stephanie. Your questionnaire with Craig.
    I can picture this entire conversation with both of your facial expressions. I was dying laughing lol Just thought you should know. :) and the fact that I love reading your blogs

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