I Google You

I recently discovered that Google lets you look at your own search history. (Why yes, I am majoring in the Internet. Yes, I have been using Google since 1998. And yes, now that you mention it, I can be a little slow.)

Image representing Google as depicted in Crunc...

If you search “I should get out more”, you get 603,000,000 results in 0.17 seconds, but none of them can help.

 

Looking back over the 7,000+ things I’ve Googled since whenever Google started keeping track, I started to get a little embarrassed. It wasn’t that I was searching vulgar things, although I will admit that Google is the older sibling I go to when something goes over my head and sounds vaguely dirty. It wasn’t even because I was searching stupid easy things that a rock could understand, like the six French Fry-related articles I apparently read recently.

No, my Google search history is embarrassing because it’s painting a very sad portrait of my life. It seems to revolve mainly around food and questions about whether or not certain animals have teeth. I know that I joke about becoming a cat lady a lot, but in all honesty I would not be surprised if Google itself buys me a basket of kittens after reading my history like the depressing autobiography it is.

Highlights from June 25:

12:28 pm Searched for “How to scramble eggs”

12:30 pm Searched for “How long is milk good after sell by date?”

12:31 pm Searched for “How to scramble eggs without milk”

12:36 pm Searched for “Can you make scrambled eggs with cream cheese?”

12:42 pm Searched for “Domino’s pizza”

Highlights from June 30:

2:06 pm Searched “British word for shorts”

2:08 pm Searched “Seriously, what are knickers?”

2:10 pm Searched “What do the British call shorts? And I don’t mean underwear.”

10:55 pm Searched “Blue Tongue Skink”

10:57 pm Searched “Blue Tongue Skank”

Highlights from June 27:

4:11 pm Searched “How to make pasta”

4:11 pm Searched “I meant how to COOK pasta because I’m not one of those people who makes things”

4:21 pm Searched “How to cook pasta for one” (Unsurprisingly, this resulted in me reading the cruelest opening paragraph I’ve ever seen.)

4:27 pm Searched “Two quarts of water is how many cups?”

4:45 pm Searched “What is a rolling boil?”

5:08 pm Searched “Can you heat spaghetti sauce in the microwave if you’re afraid of the stove?”

Highlights from June 15:

10:32 am Searched “How tall is Alec Baldwin?”

10:35 am Searched “Which Baldwin was in Biodome?”

10:36 am Searched “Does Mrs. Baldwin love Stephen less?”

I’m going to have to go with “Yes” on this one.

2:40 pm Searched “Lebron James”

2:41 pm Searched “Handsome basketball players”

2:42 pm Searched “Michael Jordan”

2:45 pm Searched “Rape-y guy on the Lakers”

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21 comments

    • Stephanie

      And what kind of editor leaves it in there? All I can picture are a couple of recently married Stepford Wives who wear pearls when they vacuum and invite their single friends over just to pity them. Which is mean of me… but they started it.

      • Darlene

        You’re right, that editor clearly has an axe to grind! I wouldn’t worry too much about being mean – it’s eat or be eaten in this world and I guess in this case it’s us or them! ;)

    • Stephanie

      Ha. You should see me use Bing. (Not really. It mostly involves a lot of cursing and then the statement, “Forget this. I’m going back to Google.”)

  1. gojulesgo

    Yes, definitely a cruel opening paragraph, geesh! Then they act all nonchalant and get on with the recipes, like they’re there to help. Pshhh. Oh and by the way, you can DEFINITELY make scrambled eggs or an omelet with cream cheese and no milk – it’s one of my favorites! And if you make too much, just throw it at the first Marie Claire editor you can find.

    • Stephanie

      Good heavens! I can’t get over how mean it is. Then I think, “Maybe I just misinterpreted it. Maybe it’s not that mean.” And I read it again, AND IT IS. An omelet with cream cheese sounds delicious. Next time I have any food questions, I’m just blogging them in the hope that you will comment with some delicious meal I can make using what I have in my fridge/borrowed off my roommates.

  2. David

    As a registered British person, I can confirm we have no word for ‘shorts’. We may have given the world Shakespeare, but as a nation we still have a long way to go.

    • Stephanie

      I was trying to tell my British friend to pack pants and shorts for his visit here, not knowing that I was pretty much telling him to bring underwear, which, of course, he’d already packed. When I found the Wikipedia entry for shorts, looking for help, there’s an entire section on “transatlantic confusion” or something.

    • Stephanie

      Agh! I know! And not only are you alone, but you are clearly sad and will be until you settle down. I’m so sad/glad I found that dumb article. The glad thing comes mostly from being able to make fun of it now.

  3. Jeremy (A Boy with Shoes)

    Your searches are nearly as bad as mine. I have a cat, he smelled like he had rolled around in his litter box, so I searched for “How to wash a cat” “Is Dawn Soap deadly to cats?” and “Washing cats with Dawn.”
    Turns out it is safe, and after the washing he smelled like lemons and cat litter.

    • Stephanie

      Ha. Mmm, lemons and cat litter. Don’t they use Dawn on the animals they pull out of oil spills? Or is that Palmolive or something? Does the brand matter? Am I thinking too hard about dish soap and cats? There’s probably some kind of cat-specific shampoo, but I like your plan better.

  4. Lorna's Voice

    Hilarious! Not only were your google searches funny, your annotations were a hoot! Still laughing and you’ve got me wondering what a list of my recent and not-so-recent searches would yield…

    • Stephanie

      I dare you to look. It’s kind of like a weird scrapbook, because reading what you searched makes you remember where you were and what you were doing that necessitated Googling. My dad and I just got back from a road trip, and I know my recent search history is things like, “Why is Kansas so awful?” and “How do you make high fructose corn syrup?”. When I read those, I’m going to think, “Ah, yes. I was driving through Kansas corn fields, thinking about how terrible the whole state is.”

  5. theliteraryhorse

    Could not. Stop. Laughing.

    I am dumbstruck by the cruelty in a “woman’s magazine” article. I’m comforted by the knowledge it’s clear the person who wrote the cruelest opening paragraph obviously knows what she’s talking about.

    Now I’m off to go discover my own google-dorkiness, and since I share a household computer, it should be interesting to see what is our combined Gorkiness factor.

    I will always love the British for “bumbershoot” and calling a trash can a “tidy bin”.

    • Stephanie

      1) Thank you! Except seriously, after the Mr. Chips stories I feel like I can’t even compete. You make me despair, and I mean that in the best way possible.
      2) SO MEAN, RIGHT? I can’t tell if it’s supposed to be humorous and just comes off too bitterly, or if she legitimately looks down her nose at single people.
      3) I am stealing the word Gorkiness.
      4) I am stealing the word bumbershoot.

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  7. Holly

    Ok, your blog post is fab! For the record have you found out what knickers are?
    British call shorts – shorts – now let’s just hope they mean the same thing…
    Oh and pasta recipes – I posted one today!
    ooo, love the blog!

    • Stephanie

      I am now internet stalking you for pasta recipes. It turns out I can add “some pasta dishes” to my list of Things I Can Kind of Cook, right under to Pop Tarts and Ramen. I finally found out what knickers are… I think. I definitely found the American interpretation of it, anyway.

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