School’s Out for Summer
As an aside before we begin, I have to talk about the title of this post. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve tried to incorporate Alice Cooper lyrics in one of these, then changed my mind at the last minute? ANY IDEA? Now it’s finally happened! I can’t tell you how fantastic I think Alice Cooper is. I even considered writing a post devoted entirely to a list of things I desperately need to tell him, but there are so many of them. A few years ago on his radio show he made an ocelot joke that still makes me laugh out loud. So funny, love him.
I’m not here to talk to you about Alice Cooper, though. (I wish I was. I really do.) No, I’m here to talk about something that has never hosted The Muppet Show. Something that has never had a cameo in Wayne’s World. Something that has never stayed in the same hotel as me in Kansas, or inadvertently gotten me out of a parking ticket. (Alice Cooper did all those things, guys. ALL OF THEM.) I’m here to talk to you about unemployment.
School is indeed out for the summer, meaning I am unemployed until the last week in July. I should welcome this vacation with open arms. I should sleep all day, blog more, read more, and work on developing sexy, sexy skin cancer. I should be grateful for such a relaxing, lazy opportunity, and I would be except for one small, teeny tiny thing, which is this: I would really like to continue eating for the next two months. It’s just this weird thing I do to survive or whatever.
It has come to my attention that unless you’re in the opening number of Aladdin, you usually have to pay for food. I know, I know, it’s absurd. Unfortunately, this has all boiled down to one salient fact. I need to find a job. I’ve been unemployed for four days (I know! How do I do it? I’m so brave!) and I am really starting to freak out. I’m in this 6-hour panic cycle, you see.
The 6-Hour Panic Cycle
Hour One: I apply everywhere, then start to think too much. How hard can finding that summer job be? An ice cream shop? I’ve always wanted to be a fat kid! A pet store cashier? I once recorded a radio spot about Pooper Scoopers! A bouncer position at a bar with a requirement about having to lift more than my body weight? Maybe the rules are really more like guidelines! Everyone will try to hire me! I’ll be beating employers off with a stick! I will never want again!
But do I really want to suggestively sell coffee at a Starbucks in a Safeway? What does that even mean? What if it’s something I’m ashamed to tell my family about? What if it ends up being the kind of debacle I blog about? There’s no way I can be a bouncer, either. In fact, I can’t do any kind of bouncing. Last time I was in one of those jumpy castle things I got a truly gory nosebleed. I should have been pickier!
Hour Two: I cheerfully reassure my relatives that I won’t starve to death, while frantically checking the phone to see if potential employers have called. Yesterday I told my grandpa it’s ok if I don’t get a job because it means I’ll be really skinny by the time my next paycheck comes. He didn’t think that was funny, so then I had to spend 20 minutes telling my grandma all the places I’d applied to in a cheerfully upbeat tone. She didn’t seem convinced, and I blame the following sentences for that. “Yes! I applied at a tire store! I’m gonna sell tires! I bet Vin Diesel buys some tires from me! It will be great!” The other thing that may have worried her could have been the way I repeatedly checked my phone to find that no one had called. No one wants me. No one, no one, no one.
Hour Three: I accept the fact that I will be unemployed forever, then get really hungry and realize that won’t work. It can’t be that bad, right? I have money in savings. Maybe I’ll just eat less than I usually do and avoid bars and movie theaters for the next two months. That’s doable. I’ll just chill out in my apartment. Maybe I’ll be the stay-at-home roommate who makes snacks for everyone when they get home from work. It will be ok. I have two jobs waiting for me in late July. I can do it.
But… what if my car breaks down (again) and I have to get its weird Swedish parts replaced (again), and there goes all my food money? What happens then? There’s no point in having a working car if you can’t afford gas and have no reason to drive to the grocery store.
Hour Four: I worry that no one will ever hire me anywhere, then start to wonder if prostitution is like Pretty Woman. Then I remember my teeth aren’t as nice as Julia Roberts’, so it’s probably not. I have no skills! I’m really good at alphabetizing things, but any semi-literate schmuck can do that. I’ve spent the last two years busting college students for drinking on a dry campus or stuffing envelopes for Congressmen, and I’m not sure those abilities translate to other jobs. I’m incredibly sarcastic, so if anyone is hiring a snarky 21-year-old with a bad dye job for anything… pick me, pick me!
On the other hand, I could follow my grandma’s advice and find a rich fella to marry. Who needs to finish school? Where does one find rich, marriageable men outside of Jane Austen novels? Does being called a “gold digger” hurt that badly? (My grandma’s actual advice was for me to marry Prince William. She was understandably crushed after the wedding.)

If only I’d had braces as a child!
Hour Five: I Google pictures of Richard Gere and think about maybe looking for more jobs, then spend money and panic some more. Looking at Richard Gere is enough to temporarily distract me, but being on the internet always makes me think that the job listings on Craigslist are only a click away. Maybe there’s a new post. Maybe I’m actually qualified for this one. Maybe I should look at Richard Gere’s hair some more until I feel better about things. You know what definitely makes me feel better? A candy bar! You know what makes me feel worse? Realizing I just spent 75 cents I could have been saving and crying into the empty wrapper.
Hour Six: I fall asleep mid-freakout, having stressed myself into exhaustion. I wake up within 30 minutes with a new lease on life, and the vicious cycle repeats itself.
At the moment, I’m deep into hour four and full of despair, so I made a plan for when I’m homeless.
The Plan for My Inevitable Homelessness
Step One. Go to Florida and use my remaining money on a one-day ticket to Disney World.
Step Two. Hide in one of the attractions. Ideally, the Hall of the Presidents, where I can pretend to be an animatronic Founding Father to escape notice each night. If I’m looking particularly grungy, the Haunted Mansion will also work.
Step Three. Scavenge trash cans for food with a friendly smile. Follow the employee dress code by ensuring I have no piercings or visible tattoos and a clean shirt so I can fly under the radar in the day time.
Step Four. Take care of personal hygiene by running through the fountains every few days or riding Splash Mountain.
Step Five. Ride the Indiana Jones ride, because I wasn’t tall enough to do it when I was five and it was closed when I was nine and it is a LIFE-LONG DREAM.
Wait. This is pretty much a list of things I want to do at Disney World. Aw man, I’m not even qualified to be homeless.
We’re not worthy, we’re not worthy! Another awesome job well done by you. If only you got paid for doing this…
You know what the hard part about applying for jobs is? Going through that 30 minute self evaluation at the end that asks the same 5 questions with different wording as quick as you can. Those always make me freeze up. Sometimes, you just don’t know all the answers they want.
I HATE those. HATE. I applied to one store that had at least 20 different pages of evaluation. “I work hard”, strongly agree. “I hate everyone including my best friend”, strongly disagree. I had to read some of them more than once because they stopped having any meaning.
funny post, sorry to hear you’re having trouble finding a job though… i especially liked the bit about living at disney world lol… if you get lonely you can always hang out in the ‘it’s a small world’ ride and sing with the children of the world… anyway, you’ll get a job, just keep trying and it will happen
Guess what? You’re officially in charge of yelling at me when I haven’t written a blog post in a while, because it’s very effective. Congratulations on your Listful Thinking promotion!
I’m great with ideas. So I’ll help.
Idea 1: Work for Alice Cooper. Just send him this post, and he’ll hire you. What is not to love about Alice Cooper? I bet he’s a great boss.
Idea 2: With no food, you could work as a magazine supermodel! (Don’t worry about the dye job, they airbrush everything anyway.)
Idea 3: Apply to work at….Disney World. Minimum requirements: fresh scrubbed look, and endless reserve of cheer. You’ve brilliantly listed all the ways you could live there, which shows how creative you are, and that you know enough to work there!
I wonder if Disney World has bouncers….
Ha. These are great ideas! I am calling Alice Cooper immediately. I may need a little more height to be a magazine model, but maybe I could go into very pale foot modeling, or elbow modeling. I have very shapely elbows. Disney World would also be fantastic, as I can do an excellent Mickey Mouse impression… when no one is looking at me.
HAHAHA. Yeah, I hear you. Except…I graduated from college. Which means that I spent four years of my life and so much money just so I could regress and go live with my parents for an undetermined amount of time. YAY!!! *not*
I’ve decided to be homeless in Canada. At least then I’ll get free health insurance. :D
Canada, eh?! Brilliant! Can I come too? I think my parents would prefer me moving north to me moving back in with them.
Thank you on your humorous take on finding a job. I am having a hard time finding a job too! Check out my blog on my job hunting – Finding a job: http://t.co/EPydLem
Let me know your thoughts! :)
Congrats on your new blog! I can’t imagine how difficult finding a new job in another country is. I wish you the best of luck! Thanks for commenting!
Thanks Stephanie :) I wish you all the best with your job-hunting too! Are you going through a recruiter? I think that is another interesting topic that you could write about. Just an idea :)