A while ago, I was talking to my friend Chris about watching television online and seeing the same commercials over and over again.
Chris said, “I hate those Axe bodywash commercials. That’s all they ever play.”
I said, “What? I’ve never seen one of those, but I’m so sick of the cat food commercials.”
He looked at me. “Cat food ads? Oh my god, it’s like they see your future.” And in that instant, I came to a horrifying realization. The internet thinks I’m going to die alone.
So this is a message to you, Internet. You don’t know me, but you’ve doomed me to a life of hairballs and tears falling into animal dander by sending me to websites like this, this, and this on StumbleUpon. I’d like to tell you a few things about me that may change your mind.
1) I don’t even like cats. I’m a dog person.
2) I have hobbies, you know.
I knit. Not well, and only in short bursts with months in between… although it’s suddenly occurring to me that knitting requires yarn. You know who loves yarn? Cats.
I also have this blog. It’s great for illustrating the way I attract people with my social aptitude and grace, by which I mean “it’s great for illustrating the way I scare people off in painfully awkward ways.” Fine. Maybe that’s not the best evidence.
I do other things! I read books! And sure, some of them are from a genre that starts with “r” and ends in “omance novel”, but that doesn’t mean anything. I’m sure lots of very popular people venture into freezing temperatures to find the last installment in a series about time-traveling Highland hunks on New Year’s Eve when other people are at parties.
3) I’m getting over my commitment phobia.
For a while there, I had this fun game called “Scare Anyone Who’s Romantically Interested in You Off With the Nerdiest Reference Possible”, but I don’t play as often anymore. (One time I name-dropped obscure Pokemon in a conversation with a guy, which was pretty effective, but nothing can beat last week when I told someone, “Move along. This is not the droid you’re looking for.” But I swear I’m done now!)
Sure, it’s been over a year since I went on a date, but I may be at the point where I’m able to commit to a pet. Like a puppy! Or a kit— oh no.
4) When I grow up, I want to be like Tina Fey on 30 Rock.
Her character has a fulfilling career as the head writer of a sketch comedy show in New York, which may be the best job ever. Liz Lemon is way too successful and feminist to ever become a Cat Lady, and therefore I am too. In fact, here’s a clip of Tina Fey being happily self-actualized. Please ignore the cat named Emily Dickinson:
5) If I had to be a Cat Lady, I’d at least be Catwoman.
I’d wear less leather than Catwoman though. I’d probably skip the mask and go with jeans and the Christmas sweater my grandma gave me a couple years ago. If I was committing crimes, I would of course have to put my glasses on a chain, so they didn’t slip off but I could still use them if necessary. Yes, maybe those things are a little frumpy, but leather seems so squeaky. And at least I don’t have crazy Cat Lady hair or anything.
Fine, Internet. You win.