Sometimes I write lists to cope with things. If I’m feeling kind of anal, To Do lists are handy. If I’m facing a particularly dreadful trip to the grocery store, it’s nice to have a shopping list. And if I’m trapped on a bus for 11 hours, pretending not to hear the British lady beside me fight with the Mexican guy a few seats over, it’s easy to curl into a small ball, write a bunch of lists, and hope no one notices me. These next few short lists are the direct result of one of those scenarios.
Bad Tattoo Ideas
– A lion eating a baby
– A baby eating a lion
– A shark fighting a bear (which is a tattoo that actually exists)
– A picture of myself
Questions in Songs, Answered
– “How does it feel to be one of the beautiful people?”
“Honestly, it’s not too shabby.”
– “How long, how long must we sing this song?”
“You can probably stop now.”
– “Hey Jude?”
– “How do you afford your rock n’ roll lifestyle?”
“With a decidedly un-rock n’ roll office job.”
– “Would you dance if I asked you to dance?”
“No, Enrique. I hate this song.”
Places I Can’t Go Due to Romantic Entanglements
– The sandwich station in my school cafeteria
– Kilt stores
– My middle school
– Harry Potter premieres
– One gas station in my home town
Things That Sound Dirty
What Those Things Actually Are
– That hangy thing in your mouth
– Ruffles on clothes
– Of or resembling a goat
– An integral instrumental in a musical piece
– Excessively lengthy
– A type of flower
– A type of plant
– Glowing, luminous
List Topics You Would See if I Was a Smidge More Anal Than I Already Am
– Different Ways to Organize Your T-shirts
– Places I’ve Stored Coasters
– Noises You Make That Cause Me Physical Pain
– Get a Haircut, You Bum
– Let’t Talk About Alphabetization!
Why Are You Wearing a Camouflage-Print Collared Shirt?
– Was it hard to find that shirt in your closet this morning?
– How do you find your pockets?
– Is there a semi-formal hunting trip in your future?
– Is there a deer you want to impress before you shoot it?
– Are you hiding from Casual Friday?