The Three Words That Best Describe Me Are As Follows, and I Quote: Stink! Stank! Stunk!

How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (TV special)

Me being as cuddly as a cactus and as charming as an eel. Like I do.

Grinch and Bear It

Everyone in my family likes Christmas a lot.

As for me, the girl who hates joy, I do not.

I kind of hate Christmas! The whole Christmas season!

So I ripped off a kid’s book to tell you the reason.

It could be it’s because there’s always a fight.

It could be, perhaps, it’s a very long night.

But I think the most likely reasons of all

Are best shown with the list I’m attempting to scrawl.

The number one reason Christmas makes me feel blue

Is when it comes down to it, I wish I were a Jew.

I think to myself, with a sour, Gentile frown,

That the Jewish people have those holidays down.

I’ve been to a couple Rosh Hashanahs before,

And Passover rocks (except the blood on the door)!

The second issue I have (she typed with a sneer),

Is that my mother goes crazy with weird Christmas cheer.

She hangs up stockings! She places greenery!

She nearly goes overboard with seasonal scenery.

I’m glad she loves Christmas. No really, I am!

But if you don’t also love it, you should probably scram.

The third thing I hate, more than all other things,

Is the terrible music that everyone sings.

They sing! And they sing! And they sing! Sing! Sing! Sing!

Someone should come put an end to this thing.

Sir Paul’s “Wonderful Christmas Time”* did this to me,

and I cringe when I hear “Merry Christmas, Baby”.**

And FOURTH!

There’s something I like least of all!

When I’m holding a candle I’m worried will fall.

Jesus is alright. Hooray for his birth!

But burning your church down is no cause for mirth.

On Christmas Eve, they give candles with wicks

To congregants I don’t trust to hold flaming sticks.

Fifth: Brainstorming presents! Sixth: Desserts such as fruit cake!

Seventh: Faking all of the merry I possibly can fake!

Eighth: People who aren’t at all nice pre-November,

Are suddenly freakishly sweet in December.

Ninth: I’m not gonna lie, Santa Claus weirds me out.
What’s he doing in your home with all the lights out?

The tenth thing that gets me (it’s so very unpleasant)

Is the need to outdo everyone’s present.

“Oh, you got her a gift card?” People say with a smirk.

“I got her an iPad. Don’t you feel like a jerk?”

It’s the worst part of Christmas: the need to out-spend.

I tell you, this Christmas madness must end!

I know that some of you have been waiting to say

“You’re missing the point! Christmas is pretty ok!
Even the Grinch learned that Christmas was more

Than something his Who friends bought in a store.

Think of your family! Think of the spirit!
Say you like Christmas! Please, let me hear it!”

But to you, I must say you don’t know me at all.
I will never like Christmas. My heart’s just too small.

Perhaps it IS Grinchy to say you hate fun,

Maybe Tiny Tim had it: bless us, every one.

But I’ll say it again, though it makes my mom sigh:

I much more prefer the Fourth of July.

(If this made you want to listen to the song, do it here. If it made you want to re-read the book and you’re not offended by the overuse of Comic Sans, do that here. Don’t say I never gave you anything.)

*THINK BEFORE CLICKING THAT LINK! I’m not joking when I say that song is the devil’s work. If you haven’t heard it, be prepared to have inane drivel stuck in your head for hours. If you have heard it, why are you torturing yourself this way, you sadistic nut?

** This link is a little safer than the Paul McCartney one, but it IS the Beach Boys. Be wary, unless you’re into falsetto and beach-inspired harmonies composed by a man who is quite literally crazy. That’s cool, I don’t judge. (Totally judging.)

Merry freakin’ Christmas.

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10 comments

  1. J6M8

    As a qualified Jew (I have my Jew papers and everything), I can honestly say I LOVE Christmas. I daresay I prefer Rosh Hashanah, but the commercialized, over-accentuated “GUESS WHAT ALL? IT’S CHRISTMAS TIME, YAYY” cheer that always accompanies Christmas is enough for me to like it. As if, for some reason, (and only temporarily), everyone in the world (aside from angry Jewish mothers with children in elementary school whose children return home after a day in first grade to ask why our family never puts up any lights, mom, it looks so awesome and all the other kids do it, why do we have to be so different I hate this seriously we could put up blue lights thats what Mrs. Bauerman said to do so we could fit in… No, don’t call her mom, she just wanted us to be happy and fit it and now she’ll yell at me) is spontaneously very very amiable.

    Here’s that sentence again, sans parentheses. “As if, for some reason, everyone in the world is spontaneously very very amiable.”

    …it’s also nice because we’re getting off of school for no reason — Jesus was born in the warmer months.

    • Stephanie

      I really love this story. If this is the beginning of our wonderful adventures, it’s an awesome start. Also, I will trade you. You take Christmas with my family, and I’ll do Hanukkah from now on. Deal?

  2. J6M8

    Also. Sorry that was so long, but my little sister’s first grade experiences got a bit caught up in there. Similarly: Halloo! It’s the kid that is now following you on Twitter. Or, at least, one of many.

  3. J6M8

    As a THIRD comment (for the brevity of individual comments’ sake) I shall add; the fact that I never have to actually participate in Christmas festivities likely contributes to my acceptance of the holiday. Now I’ll stop posting so much, I promise I’m normally not this creepy.

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