Grinch and Bear It
Everyone in my family likes Christmas a lot.
As for me, the girl who hates joy, I do not.
I kind of hate Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
So I ripped off a kid’s book to tell you the reason.
It could be it’s because there’s always a fight.
It could be, perhaps, it’s a very long night.
But I think the most likely reasons of all
Are best shown with the list I’m attempting to scrawl.
The number one reason Christmas makes me feel blue
Is when it comes down to it, I wish I were a Jew.
I think to myself, with a sour, Gentile frown,
That the Jewish people have those holidays down.
I’ve been to a couple Rosh Hashanahs before,
And Passover rocks (except the blood on the door)!
The second issue I have (she typed with a sneer),
Is that my mother goes crazy with weird Christmas cheer.
She hangs up stockings! She places greenery!
She nearly goes overboard with seasonal scenery.
I’m glad she loves Christmas. No really, I am!
But if you don’t also love it, you should probably scram.
The third thing I hate, more than all other things,
Is the terrible music that everyone sings.
They sing! And they sing! And they sing! Sing! Sing! Sing!
Someone should come put an end to this thing.
Sir Paul’s “Wonderful Christmas Time”* did this to me,
and I cringe when I hear “Merry Christmas, Baby”.**
There’s something I like least of all!
When I’m holding a candle I’m worried will fall.
Jesus is alright. Hooray for his birth!
But burning your church down is no cause for mirth.
On Christmas Eve, they give candles with wicks
To congregants I don’t trust to hold flaming sticks.
Fifth: Brainstorming presents! Sixth: Desserts such as fruit cake!
Seventh: Faking all of the merry I possibly can fake!
Eighth: People who aren’t at all nice pre-November,
Are suddenly freakishly sweet in December.
Ninth: I’m not gonna lie, Santa Claus weirds me out.
What’s he doing in your home with all the lights out?
The tenth thing that gets me (it’s so very unpleasant)
Is the need to outdo everyone’s present.
“Oh, you got her a gift card?” People say with a smirk.
“I got her an iPad. Don’t you feel like a jerk?”
It’s the worst part of Christmas: the need to out-spend.
I tell you, this Christmas madness must end!
I know that some of you have been waiting to say
“You’re missing the point! Christmas is pretty ok!
Even the Grinch learned that Christmas was more
Than something his Who friends bought in a store.
Think of your family! Think of the spirit!
Say you like Christmas! Please, let me hear it!”
But to you, I must say you don’t know me at all.
I will never like Christmas. My heart’s just too small.
Perhaps it IS Grinchy to say you hate fun,
Maybe Tiny Tim had it: bless us, every one.
But I’ll say it again, though it makes my mom sigh:
I much more prefer the Fourth of July.
(If this made you want to listen to the song, do it here. If it made you want to re-read the book and you’re not offended by the overuse of Comic Sans, do that here. Don’t say I never gave you anything.)
*THINK BEFORE CLICKING THAT LINK! I’m not joking when I say that song is the devil’s work. If you haven’t heard it, be prepared to have inane drivel stuck in your head for hours. If you have heard it, why are you torturing yourself this way, you sadistic nut?
** This link is a little safer than the Paul McCartney one, but it IS the Beach Boys. Be wary, unless you’re into falsetto and beach-inspired harmonies composed by a man who is quite literally crazy. That’s cool, I don’t judge. (Totally judging.)
Merry freakin’ Christmas.