Things Besides a Nice Day That I Will Need for a White Wedding, According to Billy Idol’s Music Video

– 3 vamps with fantastic butts in pleather pants.

– 2 creepy undertakers with no apparent digging skills.

– 1 carpenter with rhythm.

– 2 burial shrouds.

– 1 gurney, and apparently a seizure to go with it.

– 1 large group of people with jean jackets, dyed hair, and lace Madonna gloves who are wearing more leather than a herd of cows.

– 1 pious, conservative group who clearly did not meet the groom before the wedding, may be heavily drugged, and who are only present to clash with the other group. Both groups must be able to understand basic choreography.

– 1 ring that was made by someone who’s obviously never even heard of rings, much less worn one.

– SO MANY crosses.

– 1 fake-looking cliff on which to stand for no clear reason.

– 1 projector that works on stained glass windows.

– A lot of money to replace said window after the groom inevitably crashes his motorcycle through it. Although it won’t matter, because he’s going to do it again as soon as it’s fixed.

– Questionable ballet skills.

– An exploding toaster, dish set, tea kettle, sink, drawer, oven (or is that a microwave?) Forget it. 1 exploding kitchen.

I think he killed her by blowing up the kitchen. That, or this entire thing is a PSA on the dangers of that newfangled microwave technology. Yes, this is the man who helped Adam Sandler find true love in “The Wedding Singer”. He is also, sadly, the man I wrote a letter to in the eighth grade, asking for his asistance with my own love life. (I was an odd child.) He is also also the man who recorded the Christmas album I’m buying my mom this year. You’re welcome, Mom.

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