Actual Things I’ve Said to Myself in an Effort to Be More Optimistic

English: US Capitol at night. A mosaic image o...

“I’m not going to die alone. I’ll be surrounded by my cats.”

“No, I think I’m a pretty good person. I haven’t killed anyone yet, so that’s good. Right?”

“I’m so good at bladder control. Really, a lesser woman would have peed in her pants by now.”

“OK, today sucked, but at least I don’t have cancer. Yet.”

“He should just be grateful he has a girlfriend– there are millions of guys in China who would love to be in his shoes. Mostly because they’ve exported all the girls.”

“You know what, self? You’re a great walker. And after all, you’ve taken two college-level classes on the subject, so you practically have a minor in walking. You could walk across the country. Or at least to Main Street.”

“It’s pretty cool that I’m literate. I could write my name and read stuff all over the place. Someone could throw me a book and say, ‘Read it or I’ll shoot your family’, and I could read the crap out of that book, assuming I’m not distracted by the gun. I could read that book even if it was in Spanish, as long as it was an elementary level of Spanish with very few verbs. Yeah, that’s right. I’m 25% literate in another language.”

“Why did my parents wait three months to tell me my dog died? At least I found out about it in the coolest place possible: the United States Capitol. How many people can say their parents broke the news about their dog in the rotunda of the U.S. Capitol?” (Note: If you can say this, please don’t tell me in the comments. This fact is the only thing helping me keep it together. I’ve had a rough week.)

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9 comments

  1. Flesbian Flover

    This definitely made me feel better today. I needed to feel better too. My bladder is bleeding into my pee. It looks like the freckled lemonade from Red Robin. You are right… A LESSER WOMAN would have peed by now!!!

    • summarhere

      That is… totally gross and very illustrative, but I’ve been there and it’s the most painful experience of my life so far, and so for once in my life, I’m truly empathetic. I’m so sorry. Antibiotics!

  2. Mary

    I too have said to myself “I’m not going to die alone. I’ll be surrounded by my cats.” This comment was promptly followed with fear, dread, panic and the exclamation “I can’t die alone, because no one will find my body and my cats will eat me!” and many hours of research concerning whether or not cats will eat their humans after their death. They will.

  3. shenanitims

    Ouch. At least your parents told you. My dad waited to tell me six months later, after I casually asked how my cat was doing. “Oh, I went on vacation for two weeks and she disappeared.”

      • shenanitim

        Then I ran into this nugget I had posted on an old, lost blog: “Annie, though, has themes that everyone can relate to. I, too, had a dog of my own growing up. He only lasted a week before my mother took his collar off and set him loose in the “wilds” of South River, NJ, but he was still mine for a week!”

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