Miscellany

The Happy Highwayman

The Happy Highwayman would never be allowed to join The Teary-Eyed Bandits

I have a bunch of really short lists that I should post, but they’re not long enough to be entertaining for more than ten seconds and I feel like I’m gypping the blogosphere. The last thing I want is for the Internet Gods to feel shorted, because my life would be an information drought without them. (True story: every time I add a new post, I also ritually sacrifice a virgin.)

Anyway… here is a list of short lists.

QUESTIONS I HAVE FOR PIZZA ROLLS:

1. What is “cheese substitute”? Is it really, as my friend Charlie says, chunks of salted fat?

2. Why hasn’t the consideration that cheese substitute may be chunks of salted fat prevented me from eating you? Shouldn’t that gross me out?

3. Why is pepperoni the only flavor worth eating?

4. Is there a way to eat you that won’t result in molten sauce and cheese substitute burning my tongue or fingers? Don’t say waiting. No one I know has ever been able to wait to eat a Pizza Roll.

5. Why do you insist on being arranged in a circle in my microwave? Is this somehow conducive to cooking, or was the person hired to write your instructions paid by the word?

PEOPLE WHO COULD PLAY ME IN A MOVIE:

Mickey Rourke

Helen Mirren

Brad Pitt

Gabourey Sidibe

Heidi Klum

Dolph Lundgren

Owen or Luke Wilson, or Owen AND Luke Wilson

The entire cast of “Glee”

BAND NAMES FOR ODDLY SPECIFIC GROUPS, MANY OF WHICH CAME FROM MY PHYSICS TEXTBOOK (BECAUSE I CERTAINLY WASN’T BUSY DOING SCIENCE IN CLASS):

CryptoJew- A Jewish hair metal band, preferably one that solves mysteries in their spare time.

Luminous Flux– A group of lipstick lesbians who specialize in sound scapes, mostly.

Neon Soul- An electronica band that only plays Beatles covers.

Color Force– A physics term, but also a fabulous name for a gay band.

Cyclotron- A heavy metal band consisting entirely of physicists.

Freedom Force- A power metal band made of skinny white teenage boys. (I’ve actually already named this band. It exists. Or existed, anyway.)

Teary-Eyed Bandits- An emo group, all of whom were formerly highwaymen.

Geeks in Love- Like Weezer, but with more suspenders and glasses.

Whigging Out- A band of Founding Father impersonators that covers School House Rock tunes.

THINGS THAT ARE FOOD, BUT WOULD MAKE GOOD NAMES FOR HICKS

Sweet Cream Buttermilk

Brown Betty

Hoppin’ John

Limping Susan

I’M CREATING A FIRST-AID ORIENTED PUBLIC RADIO STATION, AND THESE ARE THE PROGRAMS AND PHRASES YOU COULD BE HEARING SOON:

The time is six minutes past the hour, and you’re listening to CPR– Cardio Pulmonary Resuscitation

This is “CPR: Weakened Edition” (Believe me, that show is way more upbeat than “CPR: Mourning Edition”)

“Wait, Wait! Don’t Move Him!”

“You’re listening to This Nearly-Extinguished Life…”

“All Slings Considered”

(This list is only kind of funny even if you listen to NPR religiously.)

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3 comments

  1. journeytoclear

    I got your NPR jokes because I am also a 20 year old female that listens to NPR! I thought I was the only one!

    This is the first blog I’ve ever posted a comment on. I just spent about an hour reading it, procrastinating my sociology work. I like you and you make me laugh. Congratulations on being on the homepage of WordPress

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