Highlights from My List of Reasons Not to Have Kids

This is the face of terror
I might lose them, and then where would I be?
I don’t want to go to parties and only talk about my children’s teachers
I would dress them stupidly for my own sick amusement
Four-year-olds have SO MUCH SNOT. I’ve never seen more mucus come out of any other age group
They eat ketchup alone
Elmo will own every building on Sesame Street pretty soon here, and I don’t like people referring to themselves in third person. Why would I like a Muppet doing it any better?
They might be emo
They could have deadly food allergies that appear very suddenly and I wouldn’t know what to do so I’d just stare at them in horror as their throat closed up
They might be hermaphrodites, and then you’re stuck in this weird moral limbo with no way out
Why subject anything to my cooking abilities?
I don’t want to change sheets someone peed on
They might sign me up for some MTV show like “Date My Mom“
They sleepwalk into the street! They do that! That’s a thing that happens!
They can be kidnapped. It’s right there in the word: KID-napped
They kick seats in movie theaters
Strollers are SO SLOW
I might accidentally force them into obesity with my all Pop Tart diet
I have no imagination for some other kid’s Barbies
I’m way too young to be someone’s grandma
They might be athletic and I’d look like a geek
They could have a gambling problem
They get stuck in weird places
I don’t know any good babysitters
I still have to care about them or at least buy them Christmas presents when I’m 90
They could write a list titled, “Reasons Not to Have Parents”
They try to sleep in your bed
They might grow up to be rock stars and I’d always be worried about them getting an STD or doing heavy drugs.
There’s no way I’d let them do anything risky, and by risky, I mean fun
I don’t want to give the sex talk
Children sue their parents all the time these days
The irony of me teaching someone else how to drive is not lost on me
Studies show that people with kids are likely to die sooner, and each child increases your risk
Parents have this annoying way of saying, “She’s 17 months” instead of, “She’s almost one-and-a-half”. That’s silly, and I want no part of it
They draw on walls and in books
They have habits like sucking their thumbs, but if you break the habit, you still leave them with an oral fixation, so that might mean they just eat boogers for the rest of their lives, but they might also become alcoholics
I’m not trying to make my kid go to rehab, no, no, no
I’d spend most of my life disinfecting them
Parents instill their kids’ moral codes. I don’t think I want that responsibility
They might grow up to become white supremacists, cult leaders, or inventors of the future’s equivalent of the atom bomb
Have you seen a placenta? Have you seen that?! Miracle of childbirth indeed
A kindergartner was Swine Flu‘s patient zero. True story
They might read this list and feel like I didn’t want them– which I didn’t, future children. I had a life before you came around and ruined it
you forgot to add that they start mocking you when they become 12, claiming that you are old style and don’t know anything about today’s world!
Cheers!
bahaha this is by far my favorite one. cuz i love kids! buts its funny to read! =P
fabulously funny!
“They might sign me up for some MTV show like ‘Date my Mom'” had me laughing for a full three minutes. I am so enjoying your blog!
The irony of you teaching another person to function in society is not lost upon me.