I might lose them, and then where would I be?

I don’t want to go to parties and only talk about my children’s teachers

I would dress them stupidly for my own sick amusement

Four-year-olds have SO MUCH SNOT. I’ve never seen more mucus come out of any other age group

They eat ketchup alone

Elmo will own every building on Sesame Street pretty soon here, and I don’t like people referring to themselves in third person. Why would I like a Muppet doing it any better?

They might be emo

They could have deadly food allergies that appear very suddenly and I wouldn’t know what to do so I’d just stare at them in horror as their throat closed up

They might be hermaphrodites, and then you’re stuck in this weird moral limbo with no way out

Why subject anything to my cooking abilities?

I don’t want to change sheets someone peed on

They might sign me up for some MTV show like “Date My Mom“

They sleepwalk into the street! They do that! That’s a thing that happens!

They can be kidnapped. It’s right there in the word: KID-napped

They kick seats in movie theaters

Strollers are SO SLOW

I might accidentally force them into obesity with my all Pop Tart diet

I have no imagination for some other kid’s Barbies

I’m way too young to be someone’s grandma

They might be athletic and I’d look like a geek

They could have a gambling problem

They get stuck in weird places

I don’t know any good babysitters

I still have to care about them or at least buy them Christmas presents when I’m 90

They could write a list titled, “Reasons Not to Have Parents”

They try to sleep in your bed

They might grow up to be rock stars and I’d always be worried about them getting an STD or doing heavy drugs.

There’s no way I’d let them do anything risky, and by risky, I mean fun

I don’t want to give the sex talk

Children sue their parents all the time these days

The irony of me teaching someone else how to drive is not lost on me

Studies show that people with kids are likely to die sooner, and each child increases your risk

Parents have this annoying way of saying, “She’s 17 months” instead of, “She’s almost one-and-a-half”. That’s silly, and I want no part of it

They draw on walls and in books

They have habits like sucking their thumbs, but if you break the habit, you still leave them with an oral fixation, so that might mean they just eat boogers for the rest of their lives, but they might also become alcoholics

I’m not trying to make my kid go to rehab, no, no, no

I’d spend most of my life disinfecting them

Parents instill their kids’ moral codes. I don’t think I want that responsibility

They might grow up to become white supremacists, cult leaders, or inventors of the future’s equivalent of the atom bomb

Have you seen a placenta? Have you seen that?! Miracle of childbirth indeed

A kindergartner was Swine Flu‘s patient zero. True story

They might read this list and feel like I didn’t want them– which I didn’t, future children. I had a life before you came around and ruined it