Sarah, Sarah, Storms are Brewin’ in Your… Eye

Franz Schlik

Apparently this is Franz Schlik. I want you to dress like him the whole week you’re gone.

So you’re stuck at home for an entire week with a patch over one eye. You can’t read very well. You can’t watch movies very well. You can’t even blink as well as you’d like. (In fact, I’m not even sure you’ll be able to read this list. Press control and then the plus sign a bunch of times… There now, isn’t that better?)

As promised, a list of things you can do with one eye:

1. Learn to blink Morse code with one eyelid. I guess that’s winking Morse code.

2. Only look at half of things. Believe me, the right half of anything is always the lame half. I never look at the right side of anything.

3. Design the easiest obstacle course ever because your screwed-up depth perception is going make it a billion times harder. In fact, don’t even design an obstacle course. Just laugh every time you run into a wall and everyone around you tries to awkwardly help.

4. I take that back. Run into walls for fun and blame your eye and watch everyone panic. Run into walls on your good side, even. This is really funny in my head. Please don’t injure yourself.

5. Dress like a pirate every day and yell “AAARGH” at anyone who makes eye contact. (Get it? Eye contact, as in only one eye? Wait, what do you mean that wasn’t even a pun?)

6. Scare small children. It sounds mean, but I feel the pros really outweigh the cons on this one.

7. Make a bunch of Apple product-related puns and point at your eye each time. For example, “This is my iPatch. iWear it all week. iUsed to wear iGlasses, but that would be kind of silly this week”.

8. Buy a monocle and a top hat, and look very distinguished. Still blind and bored, but a distinguished blind and bored.

9. Make up a new story about what happened every time someone brings your eye up. Ideally, you’ll be able to fit a spitting cobra in there somewhere.

10. Make as many jokes as you can that you think will make people maximally uncomfortable. Say things like, “I’ve got my eye on you”, and “I’m not sure how far away it is. I was just eyeballing the distance”. Watch people’s faces because their reactions will be hilarious.

11. Draw a really scary eye on your eye patch so that half of your face looks normal and happy and the other half looks crazy. In fact, get a bunch of eye patches and draw an eye to fit every mood. You’ll have to change eye patches every time your mood changes, because no one will take you seriously if you’re yelling at them and half of your face is frowning but one eye looks like it just won a trip to Disney Land.

12. Even though you don’t need it, consult people on which kind of glass eye you should get. Tell them you’re considering one with a black iris and no pupil, cartoon character-style.

13. Pretend to be Sauron, from Lord of the Rings. Watch any short people intently and growl ominously a lot.

14. Stare at people and when they ask what you’re looking at, say you were trying to wink at them, they just couldn’t tell.

15. And always remember, eye love you.


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