Slightly Less Romantic Analogies Inspired By this Song


If I was a pizza roll, you’d be my cheese substitute.

If I was the 70s, you’d be cocaine.

If I was a Civil War wound, you’d be my gangrene.

If I was a tent, you’d be the gross condensation on the inside of it in the morning.

If I was a Muppet, you’d be the hand up my butt.

If I was a rubber duck, you’d be the dirty bath water I’d float in.

If I was my shower, you’d be the mold that I can’t quite reach and know will always be with me, even if I don’t like it.

If I was a Christmas sweatshirt, you’d be the nerd who wears it all year long.

If I was a lawn on campus, you’d be the water that consistently misses me and waters the sidewalks instead.

If I was a nose, you’d be a booger.

If I was the movie Jaws, you’d be the people who were afraid to take a bath for months after I came out.

If I was a Facebook status, you’d be an inappropriate comment beneath me that people would have to hide from their mothers.

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