Tagged: Christmas
When Holidays Attack!
The holiday season is an exciting time, full of bright lights, borderline homicidal tendencies, and high tensions. Whether you’re talking awkwardly with your distant relatives at Thanksgiving, attempting to show up whichever high school nemeses also happen to be home during Hanukkah, or just trying to make your parents love you this Kwanzaa, the holidays are a holly, jolly minefield. Good luck, soldier.
Minefield #1: The Work Party
Work parties are either the best or the worst, with no in-between. If there’s a gift exchange, it’s likely going to be the bad work party. If Bruce Willis and Alan Rickman show up, it’s probably the good kind of work party but you shouldn’t stick around long enough to find out.
Run!
The Three Words That Best Describe Me Are As Follows, and I Quote: Stink! Stank! Stunk!
Me being as cuddly as a cactus and as charming as an eel. Like I do.
Grinch and Bear It
Everyone in my family likes Christmas a lot.
As for me, the girl who hates joy, I do not.
I kind of hate Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
So I ripped off a kid’s book to tell you the reason.
It could be it’s because there’s always a fight.
It could be, perhaps, it’s a very long night.
But I think the most likely reasons of all
Are best shown with the list I’m attempting to scrawl.
The number one reason Christmas makes me feel blue
Is when it comes down to it, I wish I were a Jew.
I think to myself, with a sour, Gentile frown,
That the Jewish people have those holidays down.
I’ve been to a couple Rosh Hashanahs before,
And Passover rocks (except the blood on the door)!
Highlights from My List of Reasons Not to Have Kids
This is the face of terror
I might lose them, and then where would I be?
I don’t want to go to parties and only talk about my children’s teachers
I would dress them stupidly for my own sick amusement
Four-year-olds have SO MUCH SNOT. I’ve never seen more mucus come out of any other age group
They eat ketchup alone
Elmo will own every building on Sesame Street pretty soon here, and I don’t like people referring to themselves in third person. Why would I like a Muppet doing it any better?
Slightly Less Romantic Analogies Inspired By this Song
Eight Possible Reasons Kate Gosselin Decided to Have Eight Kids
1. Thinking of future Christmas cards, she realized how catchy “Jon & Kate Plus 8” would be as a signature.
2. She had eight ugly sweaters lying around and no one to fill them.
3. This way she can almost always drive in the carpool lane.
4. She wanted to purchase a small bus, but it would have looked silly if was just her and her husband.
5. Because hot dogs come in packages of eight, so picking dinner is easy.
6. She’s hoping for 64 grandchildren.
7. If they ever get stranded somewhere with no food, she can eat a couple of them and doesn’t have to feel too bad. Mathematically, if she ate one of her children, she would only be missing 12.5% of her progeny. If a mother of two ate one of her children, that’s a 50% loss.
8. Now that Jon is out of the picture, they can form a family baseball team. But what will they call it?
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