If there’s one thing the internet likes, it’s boobs. If there are two things the internet likes, it’s boobs and cats. But if there are three things the internet really likes, it’s boobs, cats, and inspirational lists. You can find them on any carpe diem-themed blog, and for some reason they’re especially popular on travel blogs.
They’re always called “50 Things I’ve Learned By Age 50″, or “86 Things My 86-Year-Old Grandma Taught Me (Most Of Which You’re Going to Skip Because 86 Things Is 85 Too Many)”. I never, ever read these lists in their entirety, and I suspect no one does. I start them with the best intentions, but as soon as I read #3 or #4 (it’s always something like, “Whenever God closes a door, he opens a window because God hates air conditioning hahaha”) I get bored, and then I’m off to some other site to look at cats or boobs. (Mostly cats. I have my own boobs.)
A while ago, I was talking to my friend Chris about watching television online and seeing the same commercials over and over again.
Chris said, “I hate those Axe bodywash commercials. That’s all they ever play.”
I said, “What? I’ve never seen one of those, but I’m so sick of the cat food commercials.”
He looked at me. “Cat food ads? Oh my god, it’s like they see your future.” And in that instant, I came to a horrifying realization. The internet thinks I’m going to die alone.
So this is a message to you, Internet. You don’t know me, but you’ve doomed me to a life of hairballs and tears falling into animal dander by sending me to websites like this, this, and this on StumbleUpon. I’d like to tell you a few things about me that may change your mind.
1) I don’t even like cats. I’m a dog person.