Category: You Have All the Tender Sweetness of a Seasick Crocodile
Little Ghost, Little Ghost, What I’m Scared of the Most
If you’ve read the About page, you know I don’t believe in keeping snakes as pets, my ability to fly, or life after love.
Other Things I Don’t Believe In
- Celery
- Moon-related conspiracy theories
- Angels
Except the weeping kind. I believe I hate those guys.
- Unicorns
- Ghosts
Caviar and Cigarettes, Well-Versed in Etiquette
I bought an etiquette book last weekend because I’m kind of punk rock.
No, really.
T.S. Eliot once said, ”It’s not wise to violate the rules until you know how to observe them.”
He also said, “After I die, don’t namedrop me in blog posts. It’s pretentious.”
I Do Like to Be Beside the Seaside
Snakes freak me out, and I think that’s ok. If I was afraid of something silly like turning into a tree, that would be embarrassing. A fear of snakes, however, makes complete sense. Some primitive, cavewoman part of me understands snakes are bad because they can kill you. They often don’t kill you, and for the most part they actively avoid you, but they can. This is also why I’m afraid of shy ninjas.
Even the word “snake” gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Gah!
When Holidays Attack!
The holiday season is an exciting time, full of bright lights, borderline homicidal tendencies, and high tensions. Whether you’re talking awkwardly with your distant relatives at Thanksgiving, attempting to show up whichever high school nemeses also happen to be home during Hanukkah, or just trying to make your parents love you this Kwanzaa, the holidays are a holly, jolly minefield. Good luck, soldier.
Minefield #1: The Work Party
Work parties are either the best or the worst, with no in-between. If there’s a gift exchange, it’s likely going to be the bad work party. If Bruce Willis and Alan Rickman show up, it’s probably the good kind of work party but you shouldn’t stick around long enough to find out.
Run!
You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Ang Lee
Due to an unfortunate bug massacre and a proclivity for secret lairs, a few months ago I convinced myself I’m meant to be a super villain. After several failed attempts at world domination, it’s become clear to me that this isn’t the case.
Things I’d Like To Be
- A turtle
- Slightly taller
- A contact lenses-wearer
- Under the sea, in an octopus’s garden with you
Not really.
