A while ago, I was talking to my friend Chris about watching television online and seeing the same commercials over and over again.

Chris said, “I hate those Axe bodywash commercials. That’s all they ever play.”

I said, “What? I’ve never seen one of those, but I’m so sick of the cat food commercials.”

He looked at me. “Cat food ads? Oh my god, it’s like they see your future.” And in that instant, I came to a horrifying realization. The internet thinks I’m going to die alone.

So this is a message to you, Internet. You don’t know me, but you’ve doomed me to a life of hairballs and tears falling into animal dander by sending me to websites like this, this, and this on StumbleUpon. I’d like to tell you a few things about me that may change your mind.

1) I don’t even like cats. I’m a dog person.