When I was a kid, we had a set of 1962 World Book encyclopedias that I used for every school project. Unfortunately, this meant some of the information I included in papers and presentations was a little bit dated (and tragically optimistic about the bright future of the Kennedy administration, now that I think about it). Often, it didn’t matter very much– the Great Wall of China, for instance, has been doing pretty much the same thing since the Ming dynasty patched it up in the 1460s. Unfortunately, the same thing cannot be said about the Chinese government. You can only tell your classmates about the “recent” communist threat so many times before your teacher starts questioning your research methods.
I have a bunch of really short lists that I should post, but they’re not long enough to be entertaining for more than ten seconds and I feel like I’m gypping the blogosphere. The last thing I want is for the Internet Gods to feel shorted, because my life would be an information drought without them. (True story: every time I add a new post, I also ritually sacrifice a virgin.)
Anyway… here is a list of short lists.
QUESTIONS I HAVE FOR:
1. What is “cheese substitute”? Is it really, as my friend Charlie says, chunks of salted fat?
2. Why hasn’t the consideration that cheese substitute may be chunks of salted fat prevented me from eating you? Shouldn’t that gross me out?
3. Why is pepperoni the only flavor worth eating?
4. Is there a way to eat you that won’t result in molten sauce and cheese substitute burning my tongue or fingers? Don’t say waiting. No one I know has ever been able to wait to eat a Pizza Roll.
5. Why do you insist on being arranged in a circle in my microwave? Is this somehow conducive to cooking, or was the person hired to write your instructions paid by the word?
There’s a campaign sign across from the Safeway closest to where I live that says “The Founding Fathers for Scott Tipton.” I’m pretty sure there are more pressing questions for the Founding Fathers than which congressional candidate they would endorse. Questions like…