Category: Keep It Together Man!
I Fought the Law and the Law Won
I’m the dumbest person I know.
Sometimes I can’t believe I’m allowed to live unsupervised in an apartment with a stove and sharp objects, and I’m consistently amazed I haven’t accidentally starved to death yet. A couple of weeks ago, I was pretty sure I was going to jail for being stupid, and frankly I wasn’t surprised. It’s the kind of thing I’d expect from a boob like myself.
It started when I forgot about the back half of my car. It’s easy to do when you’re an imbecile.
Reasons I Forgot About the Back of My Car
- I conduct my business in the front half of the vehicle. There’s no reason for me to think about anything that happens behind the driver’s seat. Since my legs are short (and also because I’m an idiot), that means I never give 70% of my car a single thought.
- I once had a car named Ruby, and she was the love of my life– the most beautiful thing on this cold, dark planet. Great love stories always end in tragedy, though, and Ruby and I were no exception. I left her (because I’m an idiot), and now I have Beryl. I respect Beryl, but I’m not in love with her. I never look at her back half because it brings up memories of Ruby’s curves.
“Curves” might be the wrong word.
Don’t You (Forget About Me)
I think I’m going crazy.
As far as I can tell, there are two kinds of crazy: the fun, zany kind, like a mad scientist in a kid’s show, and the oh-my-God-I-think-I’m-legitimately-losing-it kind of crazy. This is that second one. A tiny part of my brain, way in the back, is constantly yelling, “What are you doooooooiiiiinnnnnng?!” in slow motion. The other 95% of my brain is shouting back, “I HAVE NO IDEA BUT IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD PLAN AT THE TIME DO YOU LIKE PEANUTS I SURE DO HEY LOOK A NARWHAL!” Only it’s a really mean narwhal and everyone around you has a peanut allergy, so it’s not at all like being at the circus. The same part of my brain thought this paragraph would make sense. Let’s move on.
Yep. It’s exactly like this.
I’ve Got a Feeling
Everyday Things That Are The Worst
1. Grocery bags that break at really bad moments
2. When you wake up in the morning with bug bites you didn’t have when you went to bed
3. Other people looking at your forgotten Photo Booth pictures
OH LIKE YOU NEVER GET BORED.
Moving into the Universe, Drifting This Way and That
Sometimes
Sorry. That was a lie. Let me start over.
At any given moment, there’s a 65% chance I’m thinking about outer space. Sometimes I think about presidents and food, too, but space takes up the most… well, space, I guess.
I drew you a diagram.
Little Ghost, Little Ghost, What I’m Scared of the Most
If you’ve read the About page, you know I don’t believe in keeping snakes as pets, my ability to fly, or life after love.
Other Things I Don’t Believe In
- Celery
- Moon-related conspiracy theories
- Angels
Except the weeping kind. I believe I hate those guys.
- Unicorns
- Ghosts
