Category: I Lost a Fight with a Noodle
I Could Never Be Your Woman
My attitude towards food has been described as odd. I’m hypoglycemic, which means I eat often or people die, but I rarely rejected a food opportunity even before I started Hulking Out. I think I’m addicted. If I didn’t eat, it would probably kill me.
My enthusiasm for all things edible does not make me a “foodie”. If anything, it’s taken me in the opposite direction. I appreciate a gourmet meal as much as the next guy, but I’ve experienced the same deep satisfaction eating a chili dog from my hometown’s hotdog restaurant.
When I say “hotdog restaurant”, I mean it was literally a hotdog.
If I Only Had the Nerve
Three Facts:
1) When I had my Cosmo-induced mental breakdown back in September, there was one section I didn’t pay much attention to. If you’ve read Cosmo, you know the one I’m talking about because you’ve skipped over it. There’s an article towards the back of every issue featuring true crime or horrible drama– terrible things happening to pretty blondes with perfectly straight hair and teeth. The picture is always a blurry female shape walking alone, ripe for the abducting and torturing, and the article has some sensationalist headline (So Young… So Naive… SO COMPLETELY MURDERED) that makes you want to stop and read but also keep going and never, ever find out what happened to the blonde girls and their nice teeth.
What have you done with them?!
A Series of Lists Attempting to Explain Why I’m No Longer Allowed in Certain Vietnamese Restaurants
This is probably the most convoluted thing I’ve ever had to explain with lists before.
An F5 tornado– no match for Derek’s teeth.
When I told one of my coworkers in high school that I was sitting next to some mysterious kid named Derek in physics, he leaned over and whispered, “You know Derek’s a quadruple black belt in Taekwondo, right? I’ve heard he plucked a kid’s eyeball right out of its socket.” This was terrible news, as I am no good at physics and have surprisingly large eyeballs. Worried that I would frustrate him to the point of violence, I began asking all of my fellow high school-aged co-workers what they knew about my new physics partner.
