I have my less-than-impressive surface area and X chromosomes to thank for my low alcohol tolerance. It’s not like I can put “holding my liquor” on a resume or impress my parents with it– but it would be nice to be less of a goober about it.
My Top Three Favorite Things To Do When I Drink
3. I really want to sing along with the Counting Crows and only the Counting Crows. Forever.
2. I hug my friend Jeff a lot. This is a marked departure from my normal attitude.
1. I rant enthusiastically about THE FUTURE. Not in a helpful, “What am I doing with the rest of my life?” sense, and not even in a deep “Where is the world headed?” sense. I’m more like an inescapable Epcot attraction. If you give me a beer, you’ve bought a ticket to an endless, giddy show based on the premise that THIS IS THE FUTURE. WE LIVE IN IT.
We don’t have hover boards or flying cars, but if you don’t get a little freaked out about how awesome the world around us is all the time, something’s wrong with you.
It Is The Distant Future
- My phone is not only smarter than me, it makes better life choices than I do.
- I have thousands of songs on an elderly iPod, which is smaller than a deck of cards. Friends tease me about its age a lot, even though, you know, I can instantly pull up a song by people who have ceased to exist.
- Our society is so indifferent to robots, we make them clean our homes, fight our wars, and go on terrible dates.
- You can read this seconds after I post it from the other side of the world. It used to take a malnourished orphan boy 10 days to deliver messages from New York to San Francisco, and he was only slightly more reliable than a smoke signal.
I’ll eventually become jaded about sexy robots and cell phones smarter than your honor student. The one thing I will never get over, however, is a technology that even my grandparents have stopped caring about. I’ll never be able to wrap my head around airplanes.
If Alexander Graham Bell said to me, “I’ve invented a device which allows you to speak to someone thousands of miles away over a wire!” I would have said, “Sounds like it will increase my awkwardness by 10,000%, but society benefits! Nice job, Graham Cracker.”
If the Wright brothers said, “We’ve invented a flying machine!” I would have stared at them in horror.
“This is an abomination against God!” I would have yelled. “He gave us feet for walking and propping in motorized scooters when we get too fat to do that! Come back inside. Have a cookie.”
My own attempts to invent the airplane would have relied heavily on hollow balsa wood, cotton candy, and bubble detergent. My main strategy would have involved jumping off rocks of various heights and trying to do an air-borne breaststroke. Bernoulli and his principle are beyond me, is what I’m saying.
When my head is its usual five feet and four inches above the earth, I love flying. I joke around with the ticket agents when I check in. I try not to think about how the backscatter machine is letting strangers know I haven’t been to the gym. I listen attentively while the flight attendant tells me how to use my seat as a flotation device. I’m great at flying.
Right up until we take off.
Aches on a Plane
Thought #1: Wait. Why did I think it was a good idea to get into a giant metal tube, attached to jet engines, to fly through the air at absurd speeds?
Thought #2: I could have walked from Denver to D.C. if I’d left a little earlier.
Thought #3: This seatbelt is a placebo, isn’t it? The flight attendant didn’t check it. You get on a roller coaster and go maybe 100 miles per hour, the attendant checks your seatbelt three times. I’m hurtling through the atmosphere at 600 mph AND NO ONE CHECKED MY SEATBELT.
Thought #4: This plane is metal. Metal is heavier than air. I am heavier than air. Together, metal and I are much heavier than air. This should not be possible. NO! Don’t think that. Airplanes are like fairies. You have to believe in them to keep them flying. I believe in physics, I believe in physics, I believe in physics.
Thought #5: How is she reading People at a time like this? We are 30,000 feet in the air, in something that weighs thousands of pounds, and she is reading about Ryan Gosling’s abs. I believe in physics. I believe in physics.
Thought #6: I should start competing magazines called Places and Things. Why should People command the noun-based magazine market? Shut up. That’s so stupid.
Thought #7: Hello, Stephanie. It’s me, the rational, civilized part of your brain. I’ve ranked turbulence from one to 10. A one indicates small bumps, and a 10 is what you’d feel in an elevator falling one million stories directly into a giant blender. I wanted to let you know that should we experience anything higher than a three on the scale, I will completely abandon you, taking all humanity with me and leaving you an empty, screaming shell. Best of luck!
Thought #8: I believe in physics (Will Rogers), I believe in physics (John Denver), I believe in physics (Half of Lynyrd Skynyrd. The Big Bopper, Richie Valens, Buddy Holly.), I BELIEVE IN PHYSICS (EVERYONE ON THE PLANE THE SPINOSAURUS EATS IN JURASSIC PARK THREE), I BELIEVE IN PHYSICS!
Thought #9: We’re here? Amazing! It used to take people five months and three bouts of dysentary to do what I just did in four hours without going to the bathroom once!
Thought #10: I could totally be an astronaut.