I’ve noticed a certain women’s magazine believes there’s only one season.
If you flip through a Cosmo in September, it will show you how to keep your beachy waves long after the beach is closed. December’s issue provides tips on faking a fun, sexy bronze glow through winter and taking your man on fun, sexy summer-themed dates to get through the frightening dark months ahead. In February, while you wrestle the pages through your mittens, the fashion section fills with summer’s fun, sexy new looks. When June finally arrives, it’s impossible to find a coherent headline on the cover between giant yellow and orange words: FUN SEXY SUMMER! SUN AND SEX AND SEA SHELLS! MELANOMA AND ALSO SEX!
Someone should probably let them know about the existence of autumn, winter, and spring. I’d do it, but they think I died in a horrible waxing accident and I’m loathe to correct them.
The thing is, I’ve experienced summer. It’s nothing to write home about.
Ways in Which Summer Is Awesome
- There are fireworks! (Unless, like me, you live in a state that keeps bursting into flame.)
- And rootbeer floats!
- And watermelons!
- And strawberry shortcake!
- And ice cream trucks! That’s right: vehicles specifically designed to BRING ICE CREAM DIRECTLY TO YOU.
(Disclaimer: I’m really hungry.)
Ways in Which Summer Could Improve
- Enough with the heat. For three months out of the year I’m basically a pool of sweat that happens to have a small girl slowly dissolving in it.
- You know what’s great about fall? The holidays! I’d like summer more if it included a night where you dress up and people give you candy, or a day where you’re expected to eat mashed potatoes until Oompa Loompas have to roll you away from your table, Violet Beauregard-style.
- Freckling is the worst. Actually, genocide is the worst, but freckling is close behind.
- Why are there so many bugs? Do they spend the rest of the year preparing for the onslaught that happens every summer? I have a lot of bug questions, in fact.
Sub-List: Questions I Have Regarding Bugs
1) Where do they go in the winter? Do they hibernate? How come I’ve never turned over a rock or a stump or something and found a giant blob of hibernating insects?
2) Did you know insects breathe through the sides of their abdomens? So if you held onto a bug’s abdomen too long, could you accidentally suffocate it? Do you know anyone who goes around grabbing bug abdomens?
3) How sure are we that bugs aren’t really tiny robots? Like 100% sure? Because if there’s even a fraction of a chance, I want to change career paths right now. There’s nothing cooler than professionally studying tiny robots.
4) If that alien in the first Men in Black movie was supposed to be related to cockroaches, does that imply that Earth’s roaches are aliens, or are they just distant cousins?
The point is, summer is not the fun, sexy time Cosmo would like us to believe it is. With all the sweating, sunburning, and dehydrating going on, it’s extremely difficult to look attractive. Until now!
Summer Beauty Tips for Cosmo-Nots
- If you’re trying to lose weight, quit your job! It can be difficult to find work over the summer. Being unable to afford food will help you attain the perfect beach body, give you a lot more time to show it off, and teach you some important lessons about budgets.
- Shorts, tank tops, and sundresses are in, of course. You could shave your legs and armpits on a daily basis… or you could challenge society’s roles and put it off for a while. It doesn’t mean you’re lazy– you’re a norm-questioner.
- Beat the heat and the sweat by applying antiperspirant. Everywhere.
- Save money on lotion by using sunscreen as a moisturizer! It doesn’t just prevent cancer– the smell will remind your man of public pools, and he’ll love the weird greasy/sticky combination it gives your skin. Also, sometimes you can get bugs get stuck on you in a fun, sexy way! Bugdazzled!
- If you’re horribly bruised by a supposedly fun summer activity like bicycling or slipping in your own sweat, don’t be afraid to show it off. People will realize you look pretty good for someone who was recently injured in a traumatic slip n’ slide accident.
- No one wants eye wrinkles, so take a cue from Bono and wear your sunglasses all the time. Wear them outside! Wear them inside! Wear them at night! Wear them so often your friends worry you’ve gone blind and haven’t told anyone. You’ll save time in the morning because you’ll never have to apply eye makeup again!
- Hair gets really hot and gross during the summer. Don’t bother with the beachy waves; the best any of us can hope for is a limp ponytail. Let’s all shave our heads! That way it’s a trend. If only a few of us do it, it’s crazy. Let’s start a trend, ladies! I don’t see anyone regretting this.
…You guys got so caught up in the moment that you shaved part of your head just now, too, right?