There’s something I need to acknowledge. It’s taken me a long time to accept it about myself, but it’s time for me to come out and admit it. I… am a hot damn mess.
Gross May Be An Understatement
- My morning breath is awful.
- If I didn’t shave my legs, there’s a distinct possibility I’d be mistaken for a chimpanzee.
- I Hulk out when I forget to eat. Not in a cute, green-tinged, cutoff-pants kind of way, but in an incoherent, zero-to-psycho in 3 seconds flat kind of way.
- I once listened to the same Ke$ha song 23 times in a row. (She’s catchy. I hate her.)
- I made three people cry with sarcastic comments… last month.
The point is, if I were someone else, I would never, ever date me. I wouldn’t want to be my own friend. I’d actively avoid myself at parties. I don’t think I’m the only one who feels this way about themselves either. Deep down, we all worry no one will ever love us if they knew the truth. I’d like to assuage your fears, but I can’t. They are spot on, and that’s why you need to learn how to trick people into loving you.
Cosmo will teach you how to use your eyelids like a weapon. Ask Men has a regular feature written by “The Player”. MTV has “The Pickup Artist“, and every romantic comedy ever made features the games people play. A New York psychologist even did a study that shows how easily manipulated emotions are.
She Blinded Me With Science!
Step 1: Find a complete stranger.
Step 2: Confide intimate details about your lives for an hour and a half.
Step 3: Stare silently into each other’s eyes without talking for four minutes.
Step 4 (optional): Get a little married or whatever. (One of the pairs in the study got married. A lot of them confessed to deep attraction to their study buddy.)
In a perfect world where no one fears rejection, you’d simply waltz up to the person you’re interested in, look deeply into their eyes, and say, “I like you. Let’s do this.” while “The Final Countdown” plays in the background. Alas, this world is decidedly imperfect, which means everyone spends a lot of time covering up their hideousness with cool clothes and overpowering cologne, in the hope that someone somewhere will be fooled. We’re all faking it. Here’s how you can, too:
Fool People Into Thinking You’re Not a Train Wreck
If you’re odd, hide it. Say theoretically you have an OCD tic that requires you to draw a small stegosaurus under every hand-drawn heart you see. On paper, this sounds endearing. In real life, it’s mainly just the crazy symptom of a serious underlying problem, and it’s not attractive. People like a few quirks, like klutziness or an affinity for bowling shoes, but too many eccentricities make you a freak.
Remove unsightly body hair. In fact, if you’re female, wax everything. There are plenty of wigs out there, and hand-drawn eyebrows are in right now. The ideal woman has a lot in common with those freaky hairless dogs.
Pretend to be interested in the same things as your crush. Never come clean about it, either! You’ll die pretending that you love making costumes for reptiles or attending curling tournaments, but at least you won’t die alone, surrounded by your own filth.
Wait a minute, I’ve just noticed something. These tips are awful.
Let’s try this again:
Stop Being a Train Wreck
If you’re odd, let your freak flag fly! There is nothing in the world more marvelous than finding out that the vision of perfection you’ve been idolizing is a total weirdo. It’s refreshing and it takes the pressure off. Do others the same courtesy.
Do what you want it with your body hair. It’s your body. I’m not going to tell you what to do with it. In Tajikistan, unibrows are so beautiful that women who aren’t naturally endowed connect their eyebrows with kohl. And this song glorifies pubic hair and I love every second of it. (It’s a little NSFW.)
Have your own interests! Being your own person is like having a cupcake, and finding a significant other is like having sprinkles. A cupcake without sprinkles is still awesome. Sprinkles by themselves look pretty, but they’re not filling and they taste like nothing.
Even the most popular person in your high school graduation class is revolted by some aspects of their personality and body. The truth is, I’m not a catch and you’re not a catch. We’re all gross, so let’s own it and move past it.
One More Thing
If you like somebody:
- Drop the games
- Quit playing hard to get or trying to be a pickup artist
- Stop being such a chicken
- Tell them about it. The worst thing that can possibly happen is that they throw up on you when you announce your interest. And all that means for you is that you move on to a more considerate person with a stronger stomach.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go blast “The Final Countdown” and tell someone I like him.