I Hate You, Nicolas Cage: My New Year’s Resolutions

Nicolas Cage at a panel for Kick-Ass a WonderC...

This is not hair. This is… this is icky.

Every year, I forget to make resolutions for the new year until around February. This year, I vowed to keep on top of them, so I started making them in October and writing them down on small pieces of paper that I promptly lost. I keep finding scraps of paper in the pockets of my jackets and the lint trap with ridiculous things written on them, but I think I’ve managed to collect most of the important ones. So here’s to 2010, a year in which I answered the door for the police with no pants on, watched a U.S. Congressman who will not be named crawl around on the floor with a wiener dog, and made probably the funniest joke I’ve ever made (I can’t repeat it. It was just so good and perfectly timed that I don’t want to tarnish it.), among other things. Bring it on, 2011.

1) Teach self to yodel.

I don’t know if you can teach yourself to yodel, but I do know that I really, really want to know how to do it. I have to drive four hours between my house and school every time I go home. Why not fill that time with yodeling? For some reason, there is nothing funnier to me than the mental image of me driving down the road, whizzing by other drivers, yodeling to myself. I don’t think my roommates will like the learning process, but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

2) Stop having nightmares about Smarties chipping teeth

This happened to me in real life, and for some reason it messed me up. I haven’t gone a week that I haven’t dreamed about eating a Smartie (is the singular “Smarty”?) and having half my teeth fall out. That’s not what happened to me– I only chipped one of my lower front teeth, but I was self-conscious about my stupid teeth already and now I just feel British. So…

3) Stop eating Smarties

I know it wasn’t the Smarties fault, and it feels wrong to blame the candy for my inability to eat things properly, but I have to stop the nightmares. So, sweet Smarties, adieu. Until at least January 15th.

4) Attempt to get out in the sunlight, in the interest of Vitamin D

I don’t particularly like the sunlight. In fact, it makes me break out and itch, which is why certain members of my family theorize that I’m a vampire and have started carrying wooden stakes around with them. However, other members of my family are convinced that the color of my skin, which could be described as “milk”, or “cream”, or “vaguely corpse-like”, is a little unnatural and something to be worried about. I keep freaking out my parents and grandparents because they think I’m ill, and it’s resulted in a lot of bruising in my arm every time they send me to the doctor to get a blood test. On the bright side, since I’m freakishly pale, the doctor never has a tough time finding the vein. So I guess you win some, you lose some.

5) No more Nicolas Cage movies!

Nicolas Cage, I hate you. I hate you so much. Without fail, anytime I go to the movies there’s a trailer for a new Nicolas Cage movie and whoever I’m with says “I love Nicolas Cage!” and I glare at them for the next two hours instead of watching the movie. There is nothing to love about Nicolas Cage. He’s been accused of gross overacting before, so I’m not going to criticize his technique. I’m not even going to talk about how he might actually be a crazy person. (See the link at bottom of post for evidence, or just Google him.) No, I’m going with the shallower route. I hate his hair. I haven’t seen one movie where he looks comfortable under whatever awful haircut he has. I hate his voice. A part of me died listening to him talk in Con Air. I hate that I occasionally get tricked into watching a Nicolas Cage movie because I think, “Hey! This movie has a lot of fans! Nicolas Cage can’t be as bad as I remember, since he’s clearly still getting hired and people must like him.” But he is as bad as I remember, and in some cases, worse. I could do a whole list on my hatred for Nicolas Cage, so I’m just going to drop it here.

6) Ensure that you are not dreaming when a handsome cop is standing outside. Whatever you do, do not tell him you keep men in your basement. (Even if it happens to be technically true, it should never be phrased that way.) Don’t roll your eyes at him when he confirms your name, thinking that because you’re asleep, you won’t be shot with a Taser. And please, for the love of God, make sure you’re wearing pants before you even open the door.

I think this one pretty much speaks for itself.

7) Kick your addiction.

I have a problem, and I’m not quite to the stage where I want to face up to it. I went out in 0 degree weather tonight (Zero degrees! That is no degrees! Booger-freezing temperature!) to deposit money in an ATM so that I had enough to buy something that may or may not rhyme with shomance shnovel at the convenience store across the street. That’s right. Laugh it up. It’s not a cool, glamorous addiction like coke or strippers, but it’s my personal demon. I don’t think I can beat it. I’m just going to give up now. It’s New Years Eve. At midnight, when you’re all kissing your significant others to welcome the new year, or hiding from it in an alcohol-induced haze, I will be sitting at home alone, reading a romance novel about a time-traveling Highland warrior (I wish that was a joke, but I swear that’s what it’s about). Seriously, just give me some kittens now, because there’s no escaping my cat lady fate.

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26 comments

  1. jtlindsey

    You posts are actually hilarious! If I didn’t have the house to myself people would be popping in to see what was so funny. Thanks for a good laugh and good luck with not seeing any Cage movies, Kickass is brilliant!
    Joshua
    Ps. I’m British and have great teeth, we resent that stereotype :)

    • Stephanie

      I have never explained number six, mostly because the people who were consistently reading the blog have already heard me tell the story 10,000 times. I reference it in another post and I want to post it, but I’ve sort of made myself a slave to the list format, and it’s making the whole thing a little tricky.

  2. TK

    The problem with Nic Cage is that he can’t act and he can’t admit that he is bald. He wears these horrible hair pieces that looks like his dog pooed on them. Why does he think this is an attractive look? Because he’s straight up CRAZY!

  3. Brian

    you have to admit though…nick cage was great in “Adaptation” (one of my favorite movies). Actually he was double great…in a Donald sort of way!

  4. cagewisdom

    I think the universe prompted you to make your New Years Resolution #5 to redress the karmic imbalance created by my counter resolution to watch Every Nic Cage movie!

    • Stephanie

      Ha. This blog dreams of being as good as Hyperbole and a Half. The first time I read her blog, I choked on my own spit laughing so hard. When my blog almost kills someone, I’ll know I’ve made it in the world.

  5. Hope

    You are my new favorite person (on the internet). I’m trying not to be a creeper and outright Google-stalk you. Basically, we are the same person. But you could probably take me in a fistfight.

  6. bookhopper

    Aha! Was this object that may have rhymed with “shomance schnovel” possibly written by Diana Gabaldon?

    Because I haven’t read it. Nope. Nor do I have the whole series. And not only do I not know anything about either book or series, I certainly am not recommending the Lord John Grey spinoffs to feed this addiction you’re trying to kick. I mean don’t have.

    Cough.

    • Stephanie

      I’d just like to say that this may or may not be spot on, making this one of the greatest comments I’ve ever received. And I definitely won’t be looking into the spinoffs, because that would be weird. Right? I’m glad there are other people out there who share (I mean, don’t share) my problem (which I don’t have).

  7. Andrew

    Who says that I just carry around a stake? I have a vat of holy water and I put a life-sized crucifix under your bed at home.

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